“It could all be so simple… but, you’d rather make it hard… loving you is like a battle… and we both end up with scars… tell me who I have to be… to gain some reciprocity… see, no one loves you more than me… and no one ever will…”
-Lauryn Hill, “Ex Factor” The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill
The first boy to ever show serious interest in me stood at the end of a rectangular table, with a weapon pressed against his throat, yelling, “Jenise! If you won’t marry me, I’ll kill myself!” And I, seated at the other end of the table, being the Taurus that I am, rose up in a bull-like stance, eyes piercing, retorting, “Then, go ahead and do it!” We were in the 2nd grade. And the weapon held tightly in the curly-haired kid’s hand was a plastic spork. Noah was crazy about me.
So crazy, in fact, that he spent half of recess chasing me, a blue cone held crooked amidst those dark brown curls. It was like a never-ending game. No matter how fast and long I ran, he trailed right behind me. Until Mrs. Jackson sat him down on the stairs. He whined. She scolded, “Noah, chill out, okay? It’s your birthday.” He didn’t want to chill out. He wanted to kiss me. Need I remind you, we were in the 2nd grade…
“Is this just a silly game… that forces you to act this way… forces you to scream my name… then pretend that you can't stay… tell me, who I have to be… to gain some reciprocity… see, no one loves you more than me… and no one ever will…”
The kid with the curly hair was unrelenting in his admiration of me. And I, unknowingly, added fuel to the fire by responding adversely. The more I ran, the more he chased, and no matter what I said to him, it never seemed to hurt his feelings or slow his strides. Noah was a fighter.
I wonder how I would’ve felt… standing in a crowded room… weapon piercing my throat… calling out to my love… only to have that person say, “Go ahead and do it…” Would I? Or would I continue with my strides in pursuit of my passions, not necessarily a person?
Life throws obstacles our way. People say the cruelest of things when we are already two feet below rock bottom. Friends turn their backs to us, family members misuse us, and the sky gets cloudier and cloudier. But, we can’t let that stop us. Those people don’t have control over us any more than my cruel words had control over Noah. He didn’t let that stop him. He continued to annoy me with his love anyway.
And, I must admit… I did like him. And we might be good friends to this day if I had responded to his affection differently.
See, sometimes the biggest obstacles aren’t external.
Sometimes, the biggest obstacles are ourselves…
“I keep letting you back in… how can I explain myself… as painful as this thing has been… I just can't be with no one else… see, I know what we got to do… you let go and I'll let go too… 'cause no one's hurt me more than you… and no one ever will…”
***Lyrically Speaking-IX
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com
