"I never been so lost and found at the same time..." - Judah 1
For the last couple of weeks, I have never felt surer of my calling and more lost in its discovery. It's as if I know what steps to take, but anxiety (and, quite honestly, fear) has leadened my legs and kept me Tin Man stiff with no oil can in sight. Fear of what? I don't know. Perhaps, it's the fear of failure or the fear of succeeding. Perhaps, as I conveyed to my little sister and to my big sister on two separate occasions, it is the fear of becoming "a god". Perhaps, you've been feeling the same way for different reasons.
Recent interactions have challenged me to reveal sides of myself that only a select few are allowed to see. In sharing my fears, joys, goals, and things as simple as my favorite restaurant or color, I have similarly been able to see the vulnerability in others. It is the absence of this innocence and fellowship that chills the heart, cloaks the spirit, and leads to feelings of detachment from those in our surroundings and networks. And it is in these moments where the beauty and intricacies of humanity (others', as well as our own) can be found.
When my mother calls me from Baltimore sometimes, before she gets off the phone, she says, "I miss you," in a tone that is as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking. Naturally, my response is, "I miss you, too. I'll be there soon," but the recent passing of my grandfather has shown me that no one can be sure when "soon" will come, if it ever comes at all.
These and other experiences tend to leave me conflicted: Do I open myself up to another individual or continue to guard my precious heart? How much do I share? How much of myself am I willing to give (while thinking that the other person may not reciprocate or even care?) Do I break down and have a cryfest over the phone or do I stay strong and save the tears for when we are reunited?
Being a person of any gender, age, race, culture, background, belief, religion or sexual orientation is difficult. Questions remain unanswered and broken hearts may seem to never mend. But, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And in moments where focus is lost, spirits are low, and life just seems too loud, the best thing to do is take some time to simply be still and silent.
"God is able to heal if you listen... and He'll show you His will if you listen... but, ya gotta be still and just listen... listen..." -Kirk Franklin, "First Love", Hero
Ask God, Allah, Jesus, Muhammad, Elohim, Buddha, or whomever it is that you pray to, when and if you pray, to give you discernment. Step back and see who calls and says the right things at the right time. Whose behavior changes? Who seems to be an alter-ego of their usual selves? Don't be alarmed. Accept that you are finally seeing people's true intentions and respond accordingly.
And what are your intentions? During this moment of reflection, think about your goals and character with the intention of coming out of this as a freer soul. Life requires progress and change. We are not evergreens. We are seasonal. Take the time to unplug and rejuvenate. 2010 is just around the corner. A fresh start awaits you…
***Lyrically Speaking-XV
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com
