Insecurity is a tricky little thing and we have become so stubborn to speak the word that it manifests itself into more negative emotions: fear, jealousy, mistrust, denial, blame… all because we do not want to admit what is going on within. We all deal with insecurities from time to time. We feel like, “If only my skin were lighter… my hair was straighter and longer or curlier… my body was shaped differently… I was taller… I was shorter… my voice sounded differently… I was more outgoing… I was more patient… If only…,” and there is usually another person we are comparing ourselves to. But, though they may not admit it, that same person may reflect insecurities based on things that they envy about you.
For eXample, a friend of mine recently said she was jealous of me because I am so “beautiful and wonderful”. I came right back, admitting that I am jealous of her more curvy body shape, which I happen to find beautiful. Because we are such good friends, we can admit these feelings to one another. And it helps to be honest with yourself when it comes to these feelings, so that you can confront, then overcome them.
Another friend recently admitted that her insecurities are doubt and feeling unworthy when it comes to fully giving herself over to love. Rather than point out her positive qualities—some of which play with my own insecurities—I assured her that she has nothing to doubt about herself and that she is worthy because everyone is deserving of love. I offered up the view that her love interest obviously sees something in her just like she sees something in him. Otherwise, they wouldn’t even be friends. They have taken the step to admit how they feel about one another, but questions like, “Why would he love me?” are keeping her from truly opening up her heart to him. However, because she has acknowledged the fear of being hurt again, she can take steps to overcome those negative thoughts and possibly gain the love she has always wanted.
“My outsides look cool… My insides are blue… Every time I think I'm through… It's because of you… I've tried different ways… But, it's all the same… At the end of the day, I have myself to blame… I'm just trippin'…”
Men face insecurities, too, but, stereotypically, are less likely to admit it or to use the word “insecurity” because society has brainwashed them into thinking it makes them appear weak. I am sure any woman reading this will confirm that a man who is not afraid to admit his insecurities is far from weak. If anything, it takes strength and courage to admit that he is not Superman and it is this vulnerability that draws women in.
Men watch these superhero movies and see that the damsel in distress doesn’t want the glasses wearing dude with the steady 9-to-5; she wants the confident, pantyhose and leotard wearing dude who can fly. That is bullshit.
Clark Kent is appealing because we know something he doesn’t; even though he fidgets with his glasses in our presence for “lack of confidence”, we are well aware that he’s really Superman deep inside and, if need be, we would love nothing more than to make him realize it, too.
“Never insecure until I met you… Now, I'm bein' stupid… I used to be so cute to me… Just a little bit skinny… Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy? Maybe get rid of you and then I'll get back to me…”
A lot of our habits, personal traits, and actions stem from childhood insecurities and ones we have developed over our lifetime. One of my biggest insecurities is not being perfect. I know that there is no such thing as “perfection”, but the habit stems back to elementary school. Teachers would make us rewrite a paper if there was the slightest mistake. There was no use of erasers. And as I eXcelled in school, I would take the time to do rough draft after rough draft and, to this day, I have a complete novel that I am having a hard time letting be instead of “finding errors” within it, and two others that should be completed soon. At times, this mentality carries over into other areas of my life and, when situations don’t go as planned, I blame myself because “I know better… I should’ve been in control of the situation… I know there are no erasers in life… I should’ve thought things out better…” But, I am learning to accept that I cannot control other people.
No matter how much eXtra we work to comfort, provide for, uplift, inspire, nurture, and assist someone else, if they make negative decisions, it is not our faults. If they refuse to face their problems and would rather be surrounded by people who are accepting of that because they, too, are living in denial, it is not our faults.
With this awareness, when we find ourselves taking all the blame or being jealous or feeling worthless, we should quickly replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Instead of thinking, “Why doesn’t this person love and understand me?” think about all the people who do. Instead of thinking of all my physical features that “just aren’t good enough”, I think about the fact that the very aspects of myself that I dislike might be one of the very things that someone else loves about me.
See, we can change our hair color and texture, enhance our physical “assets”, and eXude qualities like confidence and knowledge, but if we are not honest with ourselves about how we feel about ourselves, these portraits of perfection will crack, people will begin to see right through us, and we will end up feeling even worse about ourselves. So, my challenge to you is to stop presenting yourself as an illusion. Make-up should be used to enhance, not to hide. And even if you don’t want to share your vulnerability with the world, acknowledge it to yourself, fore that is the first step to overcoming any insecurity…
“You can buy your hair if it won't grow… You can fix your nose if he says so… You can buy all the make-up that M.A.C. can make… But, if you can't look inside you…Find out who am I to… Be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty… And make you feel unpretty, too…”
***Lyrically Speaking-XVII
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com
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