Lyrically Speaking XX

“I’m just saying you can do better… Tell me have you heard that lately…” –Drake, “Marvin’s Room”, Take Care

“I haven’t written a “Lyrically Speaking” editorial in over a year. But, recently, I inspired a friend to revamp her blog and remember why she loved writing it in the first place. It looks like the circle of inspiration has done its job because, last night, I got the urge to tap keys and get back to this monthly editorial. Of course, at the time I was in bed, spazzed out on codeine due to a wisdom tooth eXtraction. So, here I am, twelve hours later, following through on the agreement that I made with myself.”

This is the first paragraph to the editorial I cranked out about four hours ago. An editorial that held ten paragraphs of good words and advice. A decent message. Good quotes. An editorial that, unlike all of the ones that came before it, left me feeling dissatisfied.

So, I didn’t post it. I considered it done and I left it alone. But, that’s not like me. To just settle on something I wrote telling myself, “Well, at least I wrote it.” Ever since I walked away from my computer, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote and one paragraph in particular where I’d written about telling myself how great it is that I am being “patient, understanding, and flexible” about a particular situation and how I should be proud that I am trying a different approach. The truth is, that is complete bullshit.

I am not being “patient, understanding, and flexible.” Nor am I “putting it in God’s hands,” “letting it go,” or any other phrase we tend to use when we are making eXcuses for inaction. No. I am being nothing but stubborn. And I would love to use “I’m a Taurus” as my eXplanation for being so stubborn, but truth is I’m afraid.

What eXactly am I afraid of? I can’t tell you… What is this situation that has me more speechless and stunned than I ever remember being in the past? I can’t tell you… And that, my friends, is a part of the problem.

When I wrote my first “Lyrically Speaking” editorial, I was far more transparent. I was still fresh to the eXcape the matriX movement and I refused to be silenced or censored. Somewhere, through all of life’s changes, I lost that transparency. Yes, I still wear my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I still write what I feel. Yes, I still give everything I have to my art. But, somewhere I forgot why I started this editorial in the first place. Why I joined ETM. Why I began acting. And dancing. Painting. Crocheting. And writing raps, then songs, then poetry. Because I had to.

Art saved my life. And not just writing. Dancing freed me. Drawing freed me. Acting freed me. Somewhere, I met someone who is a better dancer than me. A better visual artist than me. A better performer than me. People told me to my face that they didn’t think my art was good enough. That I was too complicated and sporadic. That I needed to learn to relate to common people. To write women’s poetry. That I was a groupie for being eXcited about a writer of the opposite sex. That I needed to stop writing about my divorce. Or love. Or about me. That my singing voice wasn’t strong enough.

I took what these people said to heart because I was raised to please others first. And though I can now see the life lessons in everything said to me, I can’t help but hear, “That’s not good enough… You’re not good enough…” from the lips of the people I trusted to uplift me. But, the truth is, everything that was said to me was an opinion, a thought, a feeling, that had more to do with the person who said it than it ever had to do with me.

In The Four Agreements, don miquel ruiz says that we should not take anything personally. That when people say or do things that hurt us, we have made a decision to be hurt. And that how they respond to us has more to do with their past and present feelings than it has to do with us.

I want to say that I let people take my vulnerability away. That I have been let down so many times that I find it hard to trust. That I have had my heart broken so many times in the last 365 days that I refuse to be hurt again. But, that is also bullshit.

The truth is I’ve gotten in my own way. I’ve let fear keep me from being as unapologetic as I used to be. I don’t have that naivety that once allowed me to eXpress myself however I needed to. I care what people think. I care what people will say. I care how people will feel. Because I need to be accepted, acknowledged, and loved. I need to have my feelings validated. I need to know that how I’m feeling is okay.

I have preached self-esteem, self-worth, and capability to so many people recently, all the while living in fear. Sometimes, I find it hard to accept that I am human, too. And instead of reaching out, I wait, in pain, in fear, until someone comes to me for the very help and understanding that I have so desperately been needing.

Well, how can I call myself a “misfit for life” and not say eXactly what I feel? eXcape the matriX magazine may have come to an end, but the movement continues through me, right? And I would be doing a disservice to everything ETM has stood for by continuing to live and write in fear.

So, fuck that. Fuck hiding in my writing instead of freeing myself. Fuck trying to get every word, line, and metaphor correct. Fuck caring so much what people might think instead of resting in what I think. And fuck not saying fuck. It’s my favorite word, damnit, and I’m gonna use it.

Maybe this entire write-up means nothing. Maybe it’s all over the place with no concise message. Maybe what I wrote earlier today made a lot more sense. But, THIS is a far better representation of who I am, in this eXact moment. And if you don’t understand it, or me, join the club, hon…

***Lyrically Speaking-XX

Written by: Ccep J. Dew