Lyrically Speaking XX

“I’m just saying you can do better… Tell me have you heard that lately…” –Drake, “Marvin’s Room”, Take Care

“I haven’t written a “Lyrically Speaking” editorial in over a year. But, recently, I inspired a friend to revamp her blog and remember why she loved writing it in the first place. It looks like the circle of inspiration has done its job because, last night, I got the urge to tap keys and get back to this monthly editorial. Of course, at the time I was in bed, spazzed out on codeine due to a wisdom tooth eXtraction. So, here I am, twelve hours later, following through on the agreement that I made with myself.”

This is the first paragraph to the editorial I cranked out about four hours ago. An editorial that held ten paragraphs of good words and advice. A decent message. Good quotes. An editorial that, unlike all of the ones that came before it, left me feeling dissatisfied.

So, I didn’t post it. I considered it done and I left it alone. But, that’s not like me. To just settle on something I wrote telling myself, “Well, at least I wrote it.” Ever since I walked away from my computer, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote and one paragraph in particular where I’d written about telling myself how great it is that I am being “patient, understanding, and flexible” about a particular situation and how I should be proud that I am trying a different approach. The truth is, that is complete bullshit.

I am not being “patient, understanding, and flexible.” Nor am I “putting it in God’s hands,” “letting it go,” or any other phrase we tend to use when we are making eXcuses for inaction. No. I am being nothing but stubborn. And I would love to use “I’m a Taurus” as my eXplanation for being so stubborn, but truth is I’m afraid.

What eXactly am I afraid of? I can’t tell you… What is this situation that has me more speechless and stunned than I ever remember being in the past? I can’t tell you… And that, my friends, is a part of the problem.

When I wrote my first “Lyrically Speaking” editorial, I was far more transparent. I was still fresh to the eXcape the matriX movement and I refused to be silenced or censored. Somewhere, through all of life’s changes, I lost that transparency. Yes, I still wear my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I still write what I feel. Yes, I still give everything I have to my art. But, somewhere I forgot why I started this editorial in the first place. Why I joined ETM. Why I began acting. And dancing. Painting. Crocheting. And writing raps, then songs, then poetry. Because I had to.

Art saved my life. And not just writing. Dancing freed me. Drawing freed me. Acting freed me. Somewhere, I met someone who is a better dancer than me. A better visual artist than me. A better performer than me. People told me to my face that they didn’t think my art was good enough. That I was too complicated and sporadic. That I needed to learn to relate to common people. To write women’s poetry. That I was a groupie for being eXcited about a writer of the opposite sex. That I needed to stop writing about my divorce. Or love. Or about me. That my singing voice wasn’t strong enough.

I took what these people said to heart because I was raised to please others first. And though I can now see the life lessons in everything said to me, I can’t help but hear, “That’s not good enough… You’re not good enough…” from the lips of the people I trusted to uplift me. But, the truth is, everything that was said to me was an opinion, a thought, a feeling, that had more to do with the person who said it than it ever had to do with me.

In The Four Agreements, don miquel ruiz says that we should not take anything personally. That when people say or do things that hurt us, we have made a decision to be hurt. And that how they respond to us has more to do with their past and present feelings than it has to do with us.

I want to say that I let people take my vulnerability away. That I have been let down so many times that I find it hard to trust. That I have had my heart broken so many times in the last 365 days that I refuse to be hurt again. But, that is also bullshit.

The truth is I’ve gotten in my own way. I’ve let fear keep me from being as unapologetic as I used to be. I don’t have that naivety that once allowed me to eXpress myself however I needed to. I care what people think. I care what people will say. I care how people will feel. Because I need to be accepted, acknowledged, and loved. I need to have my feelings validated. I need to know that how I’m feeling is okay.

I have preached self-esteem, self-worth, and capability to so many people recently, all the while living in fear. Sometimes, I find it hard to accept that I am human, too. And instead of reaching out, I wait, in pain, in fear, until someone comes to me for the very help and understanding that I have so desperately been needing.

Well, how can I call myself a “misfit for life” and not say eXactly what I feel? eXcape the matriX magazine may have come to an end, but the movement continues through me, right? And I would be doing a disservice to everything ETM has stood for by continuing to live and write in fear.

So, fuck that. Fuck hiding in my writing instead of freeing myself. Fuck trying to get every word, line, and metaphor correct. Fuck caring so much what people might think instead of resting in what I think. And fuck not saying fuck. It’s my favorite word, damnit, and I’m gonna use it.

Maybe this entire write-up means nothing. Maybe it’s all over the place with no concise message. Maybe what I wrote earlier today made a lot more sense. But, THIS is a far better representation of who I am, in this eXact moment. And if you don’t understand it, or me, join the club, hon…

***Lyrically Speaking-XX

Written by: Ccep J. Dew

Lyrically Speaking XIX

“I was in love with a Sagittarius… He blew my mind… He also had a flip side… too much like a Gemini… He was freaky like a Taurus… the way he handled me… Flirtatious like and Aries… Which sign is best for me?” -Beyoncé, “Signs”, Dangerously In Love


I must admit: I learned all 12 zodiac signs, in order, by listening to this song. Similarly, Tyrese has a song called, “Signs of Love Making”, but this isn’t that type of article. (Look it up if you’re trying to get your grown and sexy on…)

I don’t know about you, but I’m always tickled when a song shouts out my zodiac sign. I’m a proud Taurus. Are we freaky? Yes… Yes, we are… Are we stubborn? Yup! But, we have other sides, too. And in corresponding and building relationships with people under different signs, I can’t help but take some delight in astrology.

It’s hard to say everything about astrology is accurate because, if you tweak your perspective of any given situation, things can be interpreted to mean whatever you want them to. I always bring up the fact that my big sister Chenita, a fellow Taurean goddess, said to me one day, “April Taurus are sweet. May Taurus are mean.” I immediately took offense, replying, “No, we’re not!” She then described how April Taurus deal with situations head-on and are very blunt and honest (just like my April 30th born dad!), whereas May Taurus are slow to anger, but, when we blow up, it’s catastrophic. I had to agree.

Similarly, Taureans are lovers of aesthetics. The April Taurus in my sister appreciates the finer things in life, like Vera Wang perfume and diamonds (her birth stone), whereas the May Taurus in me loves Bath & Body Works fragrance spray and cubic zirconia (emerald is my birth stone). Oddly enough, my niece Bajel, who was due in May, yet came early in April, seems to be caught in the middle. As far as appearance and aesthetics, she is an April Taurus just like her mom. But, as for her temper and stubbornness, she is just like her Aunt Nisey!

“I can’t eXplain why I love him… Bossy like Leos’ do… Got game like an Aquarius… Switch moves after he’s been with you… Fun like a Libra… He stays on my mind… He’s so unpredictable… He reminds me of every sign…”

I say all this because knowing someone’s sign not only makes for great entertainment, but it can eXplain a lot about a person. One of my best guy friends has been classified as “arrogant” for as long as I’ve known him. So, of course I was not surprised to learn that he was an Aries: the most “arrogant” and “self-centered” of the zodiac. In a lot of aspects, he’s true to his sign, but to know his life’s story, you understand how he went from lacking confidence as a child to having the best self-esteem ever! And I appreciate that aspect of him, along with his overall caring nature and dedication to whatever he puts his mind to.

I often find that we are attracted to people and signs that we lack in ourselves. Since I tend to not have nearly as much confidence and belief in myself as others do, I naturally seek out those individuals who eXhibit those traits for themselves. Enter Aries and Leos! My best female friend Mary, who lives way too far away in Baltimore, is a Leo. Our friendship started because my sister suggested we go to an open mic together 3 years ago. We have been inseparable ever since. The spontaneous, fun-loving, joyous nature of hers is a welcomed and appreciated balance to the analytical, creative, tense nature of mine. There is a similar magnetism with another Leo friend of mine. In fact, I recently told him how he inspires me to live in the moment, outside of my comfortable, little “bullpen”.

“I wish he was a Virgo, the same sign as me… And know how to show me love, cause I’ve been hurt by a Pisces… I want him sexy like a Scorpio… The way he holds me close… Sensitive as a Cancer… Every sign from coast to coast…”

Now, don’t get it twisted. I have friends of every sign, but I just so happen to have a major attraction towards Aries and Leos. And this brings me back to my point that not everything about astrology should be taken as law.

According to astrological standards, as a Taurus, I am most compatible with Virgos (tell my eX that!), somewhat compatible with Aries, and not at all compatible with Leos. If I listened to everything that goes along with my sign, I would still be attached to someone who is not meant for me, skeptical about a friendship with someone who has been there for me during my toughest times, and totally against relationships with two people who have inspired and changed my life in such a short period of time.

At the end of the day, astrology is fun to play around with. But, like anything, when you start to live your life based on what you’ve been told instead of what you’ve discovered for yourself, things can get tricky. So, embrace your sign, as well as the signs of others. And watch out for those people born on the cusp. They’re the bi-polar people of the zodiac! (Love you, cuspers!)

“Capricorn… Aquarius… Pisces… Aries… Taurus… Gemini… Cancer… oh! Leo… Virgo… Libra… Scorpio… Sagittarius… I love all y’all…”

***Lyrically Speaking-XIX
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine http://www.excapethematrix.com/

Lyrically Speaking XVIII

“It’s the thought of Mecca that keeps me alive. That’s what helps me face these days that are all the same, these mute crystals on the shelves, and lunch and dinner at that same horrible café. I’m afraid that if my dream is realized, I’ll have no reason to go on living.” –The Merchant in Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.


I feel like I’ve been dumbing myself down because I am afraid of my own power. How do I embrace it? How do I let go? I have always tried my best to hide from the spotlight while knowing full well that’s where I’m destined to be. And there are eXcuses that have helped me to reason with why I cannot or have not done all of the things that I know I am beyond capable of doing: My own timeline… Perfectionism… Work… Stress… That’s why I have three “unfinished” novels, countless writings (plays, songs, poems, etc.), and other ideas that have yet to even reach page. That’s why I haven’t done a poetry cd and don’t promote my book: I am afraid of supplying a demand that I am not sure I am prepared for. It’s also why I could never bring myself to slam. [For those of you unfamiliar with “slam”, simply put, it is a poetry competition where judges rate your performance/reading of your poetry based on their own definition of what “poetry” and “spoken word” should be. And you go up against other poets whose style, “skill level”, appearance, etc. may differ completely from yours. And there is no way of knowing what the judges will respond to and appreciate…]

Ironically enough, yesterday (a Thursday), I agreed to slam simply to fill an empty spot. I keep poems memorized, but I hadn’t practiced to compete. I wasn’t prepared for judgment on a 0 to 10 scale. But, with encouragement from my sistah Jerrica, I went up there and gave it my best.

I sit in front of this computer screen today, still trying to grasp that fact that, not only did I make it through to the second round, but I tied both rounds, perfect scores (by slam rules of dropping the lowest and highest score), with Jason O’Neil. I’d seen Jason on stage before and was always captured by what I consider a Broadway-theater presence. His voice and the animation of his movement are far different from the “B-more attitude” that I tap into on stage. And, yet, we were pitted against one another. At the end of the night, with a tie-breaker round, we both still came out with perfect scores, but, by a slight point-something advantage, I was announced the winner.

I relay this story to you because it was a night of firsts: my first time being openly judged by five strangers, going head-to-head with someone who I admire, and giving my all to my words, which Jerrica refers to as “the beast”. I felt the beast… and it scared me… and it frightens me more because I know that I walked on that stage last night with uncertainty just waiting to slip doubt into my mind. And when I called my mother this morning and told her what happened, she basically said to me that if I could do that with no preparation, imagine what I could do at The Grand Slam after four weeks of practice… Imagine what I could contribute and gain if I make the San Diego Slam Team… Imagine…

I know that all of this—the writing, the performing, the creativity, the personality, the magnetic spirit, etc.—comes from God. And it is because of this that I am terrified of not doing His blessings justice and at times use eXcuses to crutched myself for fear of fully tapping into His power which flows through me.

Or is that merely another eXcuse?

“You dream about your sheep and the Pyramids, but you’re different from me, because you want to realize your dreams. I just want to dream about Mecca. I’ve already imagined a thousand times crossing the desert, arriving at the Plaza of the Sacred Stone, the seven times I walk around it before allowing myself to touch it. I’ve already imagined the people who would be at my side, and those in front of me, and the conversations and prayers we would share. But I’m afraid that it would all be a disappointment, so I prefer just to dream about it.”

How much longer will He allow me to fight against Him before he strips me of my Talents? And how much more of an impact could I make upon the world if I actually… tried?

All that you see, all of my “accomplishments”, have been primarily the result of “hobby-time”. If I actually gave 100% to my dreams, how many doors would open? How many stages and audiences would receive me? How much more would God entrust in me?

I know myself better than anyone else will ever attempt to reach, so I know what gems He has hidden within me. But, this fear has been here since elementary school. It has affected my acting… and dancing… and drawing… It even causes me to do battle with the thing that has maintained my sanity and kept me alive: my poetry.

How do you end self-inflicted torture? Hush your own voice? Stop anxiety from trembling? How do you step up and accept your place as the queen that everyone has been calling you when the word “princess” falls so often and easily from your lips? How do you believe in yourself at least one-tenth of the way the entire universe has always believed in you?

I suppose, one day, you simply stop dreaming about Mecca and you start walking… You agree to put your name on a list and you give it your all… And, in the end, you realize that the spot was never empty. It was just waiting for you to fill it…



***Lyrically Speaking-XVIII
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XVII

“I wish I could tie you up in my shoes… Make you feel unpretty, too… I was told I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you? Look into the mirror: who's inside there? The one with the long hair… Same old me again today…” -TLC, “Unpretty”, Fanmail


Insecurity is a tricky little thing and we have become so stubborn to speak the word that it manifests itself into more negative emotions: fear, jealousy, mistrust, denial, blame… all because we do not want to admit what is going on within. We all deal with insecurities from time to time. We feel like, “If only my skin were lighter… my hair was straighter and longer or curlier… my body was shaped differently… I was taller… I was shorter… my voice sounded differently… I was more outgoing… I was more patient… If only…,” and there is usually another person we are comparing ourselves to. But, though they may not admit it, that same person may reflect insecurities based on things that they envy about you.

For eXample, a friend of mine recently said she was jealous of me because I am so “beautiful and wonderful”. I came right back, admitting that I am jealous of her more curvy body shape, which I happen to find beautiful. Because we are such good friends, we can admit these feelings to one another. And it helps to be honest with yourself when it comes to these feelings, so that you can confront, then overcome them.

Another friend recently admitted that her insecurities are doubt and feeling unworthy when it comes to fully giving herself over to love. Rather than point out her positive qualities—some of which play with my own insecurities—I assured her that she has nothing to doubt about herself and that she is worthy because everyone is deserving of love. I offered up the view that her love interest obviously sees something in her just like she sees something in him. Otherwise, they wouldn’t even be friends. They have taken the step to admit how they feel about one another, but questions like, “Why would he love me?” are keeping her from truly opening up her heart to him. However, because she has acknowledged the fear of being hurt again, she can take steps to overcome those negative thoughts and possibly gain the love she has always wanted.

“My outsides look cool… My insides are blue… Every time I think I'm through… It's because of you… I've tried different ways… But, it's all the same… At the end of the day, I have myself to blame… I'm just trippin'…”

Men face insecurities, too, but, stereotypically, are less likely to admit it or to use the word “insecurity” because society has brainwashed them into thinking it makes them appear weak. I am sure any woman reading this will confirm that a man who is not afraid to admit his insecurities is far from weak. If anything, it takes strength and courage to admit that he is not Superman and it is this vulnerability that draws women in.

Men watch these superhero movies and see that the damsel in distress doesn’t want the glasses wearing dude with the steady 9-to-5; she wants the confident, pantyhose and leotard wearing dude who can fly. That is bullshit.

Clark Kent is appealing because we know something he doesn’t; even though he fidgets with his glasses in our presence for “lack of confidence”, we are well aware that he’s really Superman deep inside and, if need be, we would love nothing more than to make him realize it, too.

“Never insecure until I met you… Now, I'm bein' stupid… I used to be so cute to me… Just a little bit skinny… Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy? Maybe get rid of you and then I'll get back to me…”

A lot of our habits, personal traits, and actions stem from childhood insecurities and ones we have developed over our lifetime. One of my biggest insecurities is not being perfect. I know that there is no such thing as “perfection”, but the habit stems back to elementary school. Teachers would make us rewrite a paper if there was the slightest mistake. There was no use of erasers. And as I eXcelled in school, I would take the time to do rough draft after rough draft and, to this day, I have a complete novel that I am having a hard time letting be instead of “finding errors” within it, and two others that should be completed soon. At times, this mentality carries over into other areas of my life and, when situations don’t go as planned, I blame myself because “I know better… I should’ve been in control of the situation… I know there are no erasers in life… I should’ve thought things out better…” But, I am learning to accept that I cannot control other people.

No matter how much eXtra we work to comfort, provide for, uplift, inspire, nurture, and assist someone else, if they make negative decisions, it is not our faults. If they refuse to face their problems and would rather be surrounded by people who are accepting of that because they, too, are living in denial, it is not our faults.

With this awareness, when we find ourselves taking all the blame or being jealous or feeling worthless, we should quickly replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Instead of thinking, “Why doesn’t this person love and understand me?” think about all the people who do. Instead of thinking of all my physical features that “just aren’t good enough”, I think about the fact that the very aspects of myself that I dislike might be one of the very things that someone else loves about me.

See, we can change our hair color and texture, enhance our physical “assets”, and eXude qualities like confidence and knowledge, but if we are not honest with ourselves about how we feel about ourselves, these portraits of perfection will crack, people will begin to see right through us, and we will end up feeling even worse about ourselves. So, my challenge to you is to stop presenting yourself as an illusion. Make-up should be used to enhance, not to hide. And even if you don’t want to share your vulnerability with the world, acknowledge it to yourself, fore that is the first step to overcoming any insecurity…

“You can buy your hair if it won't grow… You can fix your nose if he says so… You can buy all the make-up that M.A.C. can make… But, if you can't look inside you…Find out who am I to… Be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty… And make you feel unpretty, too…”


***Lyrically Speaking-XVII
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking: The New Year Edition

“I’ve been roaming around… I was looking down at all I see… Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach… You know that I could use somebody… You know that I could use somebody… Someone like you and all you know and how you speak… Countless lovers under cover of the street… You know that I could use somebody… You know that I could use somebody… Someone like you… Off in the night, while you live it up, I’m off to sleep… Waging war to shake the poet and the beat… I hope it’s gonna make you notice… I hope it’s gonna make you notice… Someone like me…” –Kings of Leon, “Use Somebody” Due to a very serious, very personal matter that has knocked me completely off my block—and who doesn’t have one of those from time to time?—I will admit, I have been completely uninspired to write this month’s edition of this editorial. To be quite honest, the new issue comes out tomorrow and I am sitting at this computer, glancing over at the above lyrics written on a notepad, with no idea what will come out or if anything will even come. There were a few songs I contemplated writing on, but, the more I listened to them for inspiration, the less writing I was able to do. I thought about simply giving you quotes from a few songs that I find inspirational or that otherwise speak to my current situation. I know that a lot of you out there are gradually shedding the weighted burdens of 2009 in exchange for the newness of 2010, so I figured that you could find inspiration in them, as well. But, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to be completely honest with you. 2009 was a horrible year. Granted, there were a few good things that happened, but, for the most part, 2009 was a mess—at least, for me it was. December alone had me experiencing the worst heartache I have ever felt from the one person in the world I thought would never, ever hurt me so blindly and continuously. I fought shamelessly to help and heal someone who knew all along that they had betrayed me, yet blamed me and took me through hell instead of being honest. I came out of it much more aware and a helluva lot stronger, but the numbness that I still feel sometimes doesn’t always seem like a fair trade. For one month, I lashed out in frustration and selfishness at people close to me. I later apologized, of course, or otherwise made advances to show that I was sorry. I tried to ignore feelings that, of course, never went away and had to make confessions that I, otherwise, would never have had the courage to make. I wrote poetry. I sketched. I cried. I held my breath in my sleep and woke up crying. I woke from my sleep screaming in anger. I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed somebody… Slowly, but surely, I had to “spread my needs around” and turn to friends and family members for support. I believe that everyone in our lives has a role: motherly figure, fatherly figure, spiritual advisor, jokester… You know who to turn to in your time of need no matter how stubborn you would rather be. And that’s eXactly what I did. My friends and family are amazing. They have stood by me throughout this whole ordeal. They let me yell, cuss, and cry just as much as they made me laugh, smile, and think. Each person played their roles at different times of the week (sometimes, even the day) and I am beyond grateful for having such strong, selfless, compassionate people that I can call “family” regardless of whether or not they are blood related. It’s hard admitting that I cannot handle something on my own. No matter how strong I seemed to everyone, I’m glad that each person allowed me the vulnerability of breaking down while encouraging me to remember that this new year… new decade… new day is just for me. A lot of people have been referring to this period in time as “The You Year”. My dad pretty much said the same thing, telling me to focus on what it is that I want to do. What makes me happy? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to go? Not to make resolutions, but to made decisions. Recently on television, Joel Osteen talked about imagination and images. He said if you believe that you will never do something or be somewhere, then you won’t. You have to envision where you want to be. The images, thoughts, and dreams in your head determine how you feel about yourself and your situation. If you imagine yourself in a positive place surrounded by positive people, you will find yourself there. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen. So, when I wake in the middle of the night, I immediately start to think of things I know will bring me peace until I fall back asleep. During the day, I let my mind wander just a little bit to pictures of positive places. When I feel emotions swelling up inside of me, I let them come out (because it’s healthy to do so), and then I move my mind to brighter things. It may sound far-fetched, but it really does work if you believe that it will. Give it a try and listen to some music if it helps. And if you find yourself thinking, “You know what? I could use somebody…” don’t be stubborn. Reach out for help. Accept help from those who offer it. And realize that everything happens for a reason and, usually, where you end up is far better than where you came from… I guess I was able to write this editorial after all :-) Happy You Year and thank you for being amazingly you…

***Lyrically Speaking: The New Year Edition

Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XVI

“I wrote this poem in my own spinal fluid… I put it on the backbone of a white flag, so before you read it you’ll already know that I’ve given up… I’ll just keep you here… shackled to the most important chapter of my life’s story… pressed into the basement of my eyelids like liquid salvation, so I remember you beautiful with amazing underneath your wings and an orchid smile, you gorgeous earthquake… You cracked hourglass with sand spilling from behind your ribs… You wasted my time…” –Rudy Francisco, “Scars” I know that I already have an edition of this editorial featuring a Rudy Francisco quote, but the hourglass line has been playing in my mind on repeat for the last month or more… Although most of this year has been dedicated to personal growth, the results have just begun to manifest themselves. And, for the last couple of months, I have been feeling like fear, doubt, and other forms of insecurities have, in fact, stolen or “wasted” my time. I John 4:18 reads: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” and I am on a quest for perfect love. Not flawless love, but unwavering love. Love that makes the fight worth it. Love that makes the hard times seem more bearable. Love that starts within then illuminates everything that its rays touch. I am starting to feel this love within myself and fear has begun to flee. A few days ago, I ended a status update by stating, “Speak your truth and live according to your own beliefs because the world will edit you right out of your own script if you let it..." and, sometimes, the hardest thing to accept is that the people closest to you are the very ones with red pens in their hands… “You wanna know how I got these scars? I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile… 5… I whispered you stardust… 6… I spoke you into sunflower… 7… I dipped my hands in forever… touched you infinity… I treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber… I was good to you…” People will destroy your world with good intentions. They will apply never-yielding pressure because they feel like they know what’s best for you. If they are older, they feel they are wiser and have already had your eXperiences. If they are younger, they feel that you are too old to know what they are talking about and times have changed. The tough thing to remember is that you are never too old or too young to know what is best for you. And no matter how much you love, accept, respect, and cherish others, they may not reciprocate. They may use words and actions to tear down your spirit and you may still feel a need to keep them close because they are blood related, are related by marriage, were there for you when your aunt passed away, have been your buddy since kindergarten, or you just feel something strongly for them that keeps you holding on. But, we come into this world alone and we leave it the same way. You don’t owe the world anything. If someone is emotionally hurting you, you may give them the opportunity to change, but, at some point, you have to know when to say, “Enough is enough…” and let that person go if need be. “How dare you linger on my lips and then kiss me like a stuttering apology with excuses stapled to the roof of your mouth? I still remember you…” You are responsible for yourself in this world. Your health must be your primary concern. There is nothing selfish about putting yourself first and ensuring the health of your mind, body, and spirit. Toxic people and toxic relationships will poison the very essence of your being if you allow them to. Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let go of people and situations and this doesn’t just apply physically. Sometimes, the toxins are mental: insecurities and a low sense of self-worth can stem from allowing others’ feelings about you to attach to your spirit and drag you down. Without guilt, learn to let these people, these feelings, and these thoughts go. Forgive them for the things that they have intentionally and unknowingly done to you. Forgive yourself, if need be, for allowing cycles of physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse to continue far longer than they should have. But, never ever forget. Remember the situations and circumstances with a renewed heart lacking a bitter taste. See the lessons that have been learned, how you have grown stronger through it all, and use it all to prepare for the next battle because history has proven to repeat itself. And if you do allow these individuals to remain in your life, or if you kick them to the curb only to find them back holding a bouquet of roses and you invite them in, do not hold it against them. True forgiveness is acknowledging the faults of the past while allowing a clean slate with a margin for error. If you look at a person and cannot, or do not want to, see beyond the past, then maybe you made the right decision to let them go in the first place. A new year is upon us. It is a time for starting over. So, I encourage you to take some time for self. If you meditate or would like to give it a try, do so. Sit or lie in a relaxed position and think. If it helps, write down your thoughts. Think about this past year and the people, things, and events that have brought you joy. Think about your accomplishments and set-backs. Think about what things you need to change within yourself and what connections may need to be broken in order to advance even further in this new year. When you’re finished, set out to be a healthier person with a happier environment. Throw up the white flag, and surrender to joy because you deserve it. Throw up your arms and embrace those who have helped to make your life thus far a success and much more worth living. Don’t let old battle wounds and scars discourage you from continuing the fight. And do not, under any circumstance, willingly allow anyone or anything to stop you from being the biggest, brightest version of you… Saying, “Good-bye,” to the me I once knew and eagerly awaiting the me that is to be…

***Lyrically Speaking-XVI Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XV

"I never been so lost and found at the same time..." - Judah 1 For the last couple of weeks, I have never felt surer of my calling and more lost in its discovery. It's as if I know what steps to take, but anxiety (and, quite honestly, fear) has leadened my legs and kept me Tin Man stiff with no oil can in sight. Fear of what? I don't know. Perhaps, it's the fear of failure or the fear of succeeding. Perhaps, as I conveyed to my little sister and to my big sister on two separate occasions, it is the fear of becoming "a god". Perhaps, you've been feeling the same way for different reasons. Recent interactions have challenged me to reveal sides of myself that only a select few are allowed to see. In sharing my fears, joys, goals, and things as simple as my favorite restaurant or color, I have similarly been able to see the vulnerability in others. It is the absence of this innocence and fellowship that chills the heart, cloaks the spirit, and leads to feelings of detachment from those in our surroundings and networks. And it is in these moments where the beauty and intricacies of humanity (others', as well as our own) can be found. When my mother calls me from Baltimore sometimes, before she gets off the phone, she says, "I miss you," in a tone that is as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking. Naturally, my response is, "I miss you, too. I'll be there soon," but the recent passing of my grandfather has shown me that no one can be sure when "soon" will come, if it ever comes at all. These and other experiences tend to leave me conflicted: Do I open myself up to another individual or continue to guard my precious heart? How much do I share? How much of myself am I willing to give (while thinking that the other person may not reciprocate or even care?) Do I break down and have a cryfest over the phone or do I stay strong and save the tears for when we are reunited? Being a person of any gender, age, race, culture, background, belief, religion or sexual orientation is difficult. Questions remain unanswered and broken hearts may seem to never mend. But, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And in moments where focus is lost, spirits are low, and life just seems too loud, the best thing to do is take some time to simply be still and silent. "God is able to heal if you listen... and He'll show you His will if you listen... but, ya gotta be still and just listen... listen..." -Kirk Franklin, "First Love", Hero Ask God, Allah, Jesus, Muhammad, Elohim, Buddha, or whomever it is that you pray to, when and if you pray, to give you discernment. Step back and see who calls and says the right things at the right time. Whose behavior changes? Who seems to be an alter-ego of their usual selves? Don't be alarmed. Accept that you are finally seeing people's true intentions and respond accordingly. And what are your intentions? During this moment of reflection, think about your goals and character with the intention of coming out of this as a freer soul. Life requires progress and change. We are not evergreens. We are seasonal. Take the time to unplug and rejuvenate. 2010 is just around the corner. A fresh start awaits you…

***Lyrically Speaking-XV Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XIV

“I want the money, money and the cars, cars and the clothes … I suppose… I just wanna be, I just wanna be successful…” –Trey Songz, “Successful” What is your definition of success? Is it something you continuously strive to attain or the product of any reached goal? Do material possessions, such as cars, jewelry, clothes, houses, and gadgets, act as symbols of your accomplishments? If you performed something that freed your soul, but no one clapped, would you still feel successful? Whether you measure it by status, possessions, monetary wealth, or emotional satisfaction, your definition of success, like your fingerprint, is unique to you. Similarly, reaching that level, however high or low it may be, also lies within your own hands. Although others can assist you with your achievements, the first steps must be made with your own feet. But, keep in mind that the road to success isn’t an easy one. There are many things and individuals who would love nothing more than to see you fail. Unbeknownst to many, I was serious about acting all throughout elementary and middle school. I’ve played the role of both Queen Elizabeth and Cleopatra and took part in a selection of Neil Simon pieces. But, my favorite role was as the jealous Rose in “Flowertown Ball”. I believe this role is what ignited my interest and support of villains in feature films, but I digress… As much as I loved acting, somewhere around the end of middle school, I chose to give it up for what I seemed to believe would be forever. Why? Because both of my parents had told me on separate occasions how excited they were and how they couldn’t wait to tell people, “My daughter bought me a house!” All my young mind heard was, “You have to buy me a house. You cannot fail. You must be the best. You must be successful,” and the pressure became too much for me. So, I gave up the stage. That is, until my senior year of high school when I became introduced to Spoken Word. “It’s funny when you coming in first, but you hope that you last. You just hope that it lasts…” –Drake, “Lust for Life” I was never so nervous acting as I am doing Spoken Word. I believe it’s because it is my words and personal thoughts as opposed to memorizing someone else’s ideas that I may or may not even agree with. Regardless of how calm and confident I appear at a venue, signs of anxiety show before I take the stage (if you look closely). I have grown to realize that if I take a deep breath and let the words take over, everything will be fine. I view each time that I speak to an audience (and often when speaking to an individual, especially an artist I am interviewing) as a new chance to overcome social anxiety. And when the experience is over, I give myself a mental smiley face sticker and congratulate myself on my success. Recently, a co-worker who I’d shown the method of completing Sudoku puzzles, shouted in shock when she was able to complete a “hard” puzzle. She had been practicing on “easy” and “medium” ones for about two weeks and it had finally paid off. Though she felt silly for being excited about a mere puzzle, I congratulated her with a supportive “Yay!”, commenting how we have to celebrate even the littlest things in life. She had accomplished a goal that she had set in a world where it seems most people lack motivation to even set goals in the first place. Shouldn’t that be cause for a “We just figured out Blue’s Clues!” dance or a Dora the Explorer “We Did It!” sing-along (which we sort of did during lunch after solving a complex riddle)? Of course, it should! As 2009 is gradually coming to an end, remember to celebrate the “easy”, “medium”, and “hard” accomplishments in life. Don’t buckle under pressure. Set weekly or even daily goals and acknowledge your progress. You do not have to be a multi-billionaire in order to consider yourself a success. Success could be as simple as finally completing the editorial that initially refused to be written… “Dream chaser, risk taker, no favor, though haters… they might want me to drown… holdin' me down, but the throne and the crown is all I ever wanted… all I ever needed… if I'm the only one and don't nobody else believe it, then keep it a secret and watch me achieve it… ‘cause I know what I want now… so, if you want the money… if you gotta make… if you the only one and don t nobody else believe it… then, tell ‘em to beat it and watch you achieve it… sing it if you want… I want the money…” –Trey Songz, “Successful” ***Lyrically Speaking-XIV Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XIII

“Big, lovely honies, you rule the world… You ain’t ‘a big girl’; you just ‘a girl’… They jealous, so give ‘em more to hate… You workin’ with a lot, but you handle that weight…” -Ise Lyfe, “Thigh Bone”, Prince Cometh Because America is such a melting pot of ethnicities, beliefs, religions, and cultures, we have no definite ethnicity, belief, religion, or culture. Other cultures seem to have standards when it comes to beauty, but we tether back and forth between “definitions” of beauty, connected by a string that leads nowhere. One could travel around the world and collect portraits of beauty per country: brass rings to elongate the neck, feet bound to the tiniest size, red lipstick and powdered skin, alabaster skin never touched by the sun, bronzed tans and curvaceous bodies, dreadlocks and ebony skin… the list is never-ending. And we Americans stick out like a giraffe amongst horses in these countries for the mere fact that we look “different”. And by “different”, I mean confused and unsure of ourselves. “Make-up don’t make you who you wanna be… It’s just Maybelline…” –Future, “Before My Time (Back To The Future)”, SpitPersonality We don’t know what beauty is. Every new season, magazines and media tell us what colors, styles, hairdos, accessories, and the like are “in”. And many of us are so quick to dive right into the pool of conformity despite the fact that we don’t even like Ugg boots, neon jewelry or skinny jeans. The truth is that no matter how much we’d like to believe it, these material things don’t make us beautiful. We ARE beautiful: in action, word, and deed. That’s why the “ugliest” dudes get the “hottest” chicks and why “celebrities” who are usually spackled over with stereotypes get the “ugly” stamp when they journey forth without their masks: because at the end of the day, confidence and admirable attributes are what’s important and the more we cover up our true selves to create false images, the more our true selves will be shunned. And it’s not because our natural selves aren’t attractive. It’s because we intentionally tell people, “This is me. Love me for me,” then we turn around and strip ourselves of the height (heels), weight (type/size of clothing), shape (push-up bras, corsets, and butt pads), pigment (tans), flawlessness (foundation), smoothness (shaving, plucking, waxing), length and texture (relaxers, texturizers, extensions, wigs), color (contacts, lipstick, mascara, blush), and other forms of illusions (nails, body spray, muscle shirts, slimming pants) and expect to be accepted after such a quick, yet drastic transformation. Remember that episode of “The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” where Will (Will Smith) and his date Kathleen (Tisha Campbell-Martin) were trapped in the basement during an earthquake? By the end of the night, Kathleen had removed her hair, snapped off her nails, and put her eye color in her purse. A dazed Will had sat with her weave disheveled upon his head, singing: “I’m stuck in a basement, sitting on a tricycle, girl getting on my nerves… I’m going outta my mind. I thought she was fine. Don’t know if her body is hers…” Nobody appreciates being lied to… Though we have these things to “enhance” ourselves, one should not forget just that: they are to highlight, not mask, what’s already there. A tree is just as beautiful bare as it is bedecked in lights and ornaments. Some would say it’s more majestic in the forest than beside the fireplace. We should think of ourselves as more radiant without the decorations. Maybe then we would stop striving to reach a bar of beauty that has not even been set. Maybe then the American standard of beauty would be the fact that we are so magnificently diverse instead of a quest to be dolls that companies can dress up and accessorize. Our spectrum of shades, shapes, and sizes should be celebrated; not cellophaned and repackaged to be sold back to us. We should proudly exhibit what we see unclothed and unmasked even while robed. No greater spectacle exists than beauty as nature intended… ***Below, find several quotes that speak on beauty in unique ways. Though they didn’t make it into the actual article, I would like you to think about the singular and collective message that they emit. I encourage you to seek quotes, poems, songs, and images that exhibit beauty in truth and complexity… “My only desire is that this beautiful sister find time to remind herself of just how fine… she is… just as… she is… even in the aftermath of birthing a few kids…” -13 of Nazareth, “Optionz”, Lovelutionary: Th Xprntl Gdspl “The images of womanhood that cover the silver screen carry her one step closer to depression one stereotype at a time in intervals of five minutes, so every five minutes she’s found in front of the mirror only to be reminded of areas on her body that need improvement. Says that her thighs are ‘too big’… Claims that her eyes are ‘too small’… Says that she’ll need to be in the gym all night, everyday for the rest of her life just to make sure that her waist looks right before she’s on her deathbed… And I tell her that I love her just the way that she is… but, she don’t care what I say or what the rest have said… Refusing to believe that she already carries with her the beauty of a sunrise… Says that she hates to see the sun rise because the sunlight exposes all of her faults… and I’m starting to believe that it might be my fault…” –Rudy Francisco, “Untitled”, University Avenue “I’m in love with your girly traits… I’m in with your curves, your face, your walk, your talk, your grace…” –Lyrical the Lyricist, “Never Blinked”, Traditional American Poetry “Night queen of my night dreams and the sky is your crown. Your smile is my favorite sonnet and your kiss… your kiss tastes like it got angel on it… You… The light from your eyes so precise like you could slice through a laser beam, yet it’s light in your eyes like you’ve seen an angel’s dream… You […] And the air here is perfect… as you are in this moment… Perfect… You are perfect as you are… Natural star… You are what grown men cry about… and what poet’s write about… Sleeping beauty… Dreaming angel… Sleep in beauty… Dream in angel… You…” – Komplex, “Stardust”, “Grown Folks Bizness ***Lyrically Speaking-XIII Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XII (One Year Anniversary)

“If I stay right here, I’ll die inside… Ran out of tears… I can barely get by… It’s fair to say that we tried… You know I wanna stay… If I do, I’ll die…" - Floetry, "I'll Die", Flo'Ology I will never understand complacency and I don’t want to. I cannot for the life of me comprehend how people can stay stagnant… and complain about a lack of upward mobility. Opportunities are out there, but one must be willing to work hard to reach expectations, and then go even harder to surpass them. Call me a perfectionist, an elitist, anal, or what have you, but I cannot and will not settle for “status quo”. All my life I have recognized standards and surpassed them; not because I tried to, but because I naturally tend to think and create outside of the box. A group of people can view a document and find it flawless, but my eyes automatically zoom in to errors in spelling, grammar, punctuation, and usage. It doesn’t mean I’m perfect; nor do I eXpect others to be. I make mistakes at times, but where others find editing tedious work, I find it enjoyable to polish another’s masterpiece. I figure, why not use my nerdy talent to help others? Why not embrace being an editor? My goal for 2010 is to get my company officially registered. Wise people always say, “Speak it into eXistence and watch God work,” and, boy, weren’t they telling the truth! I have so many projects already lined up for the coming years. It amazes me that people appreciate a quality in me that others find annoying and are willing to place their work… their art… their life into my hands. So much so, that I reached out to a good friend of mine and asked him why he trusts me with his work. I’m a firm believer that “anointing recognizes anointing” and that is why I shouldn’t have been surprised by his response. If we are pure and genuine in what we are about, people will see that and do what they can to support our dreams; even when they don’t know eXactly what that dream is. So, 2010 is quickly approaching, more and more people are reaching out to me or referring others to me for counseling, mentoring, brainstorming, or some sort of editorial service, and it makes me wonder: how, in this day and age where we have so many opportunities as artists to network with one another and collaborate on making our art the best, can anyone dare to utter the words “starving artist” from their lips? “We are who we choose to be… I’m responsible for me…” Whenever I hear someone refer to themselves or others as “starving artists” I generally purse my lips, shake my head, and/or roll my eyes in contempt. I know that as an artist, I should sympathize with the plight of my fellow creators and I do… to a certain eXtent. But, I will not under any circumstance enable any individual to use a phrase as a crutch. Understand that I know it’s tough being an underground artist. People don’t appreciate the healing we create, pay our worth, support our endeavors, or encourage us nearly as much as they should. But, even so, there are ample opportunities out there to expand one’s gifts and exhibit one’s work. It could be as simple as signing up to perform at an open mic and having a promoter ask you to come back to feature one night… Searching Craigslist and other internet sites for jobs and internships that display your talent (that’s how I went from Intern to Editor with eXcape the matriX magazine)… Displaying your art at local galleries or community events… Anything that helps you to make a name for yourself and get out there to the masses. Everyday, an artist should be open to an eXperience that benefits the art being created. It’s not enough to send a demo CD with 3 tracks on it to Jay-Z if you want to be a rapper. It’s not enough to write poetry and never step to the mic or memorize your pieces if you want to be a spoken word artist. It’s not enough to only post your images on MySpace and want to have your own gallery eXhibit. Where is your portfolio or catalogue? Can you spit a poem or 16 bars right now? Do you have business cards? Have you chosen a name to be recognized by? Do you know what the underlying message of your art relays? Be prepared for these questions and the like. The world will surprise you when they find out you are an artist. They want an eXample of your work, then and there. Imagine that you are at a Starbucks and as you turn with your Vanilla Chai in your hand, you see Kevin Liles (or Saul Williams or Nikki Giovanni or Diddy or whoever most inspires you and would help to make your dreams a reality) walk into the store. You walk up to him or her and say, “My name is ____ and I ____. You truly inspire me and I’m so humbled to meet you.” He or she says, “Oh, really?” with a grin. “Let me hear something right now.” And you stand there with nothing to say. No poem memorized. No 16 bars. No monologue. So, he or she says, “Well, do you have a business card or an online portfolio? Perhaps a link to online videos so I can check you out?” You pat your pockets knowing full well you don’t have business cards or anything online, watch as he or she shakes your hand and wishes you luck, then goes to order his or her drink. And you stand there before hanging your head, leaving the store, and calling up all your friends to tell them how big name people are funny acting and offer no support for “starving artists”… You have to put time and effort into your craft. You have to believe that what you have to say through your work is important to the world and you must be willing to sweat, bleed, and put in long hours to become successful. When someone sees you in a café jotting down notes and asks if you’re a writer, you should be able to pull out a business card and exchange information. Think that business cards are only for people who wear suits 9 to 5? I guarantee you that that napkin you wrote your number and email on will probably be used to wipe up some barbeque sauce then tossed into the trash can. Is that what you think of your goals and aspirations? Something that could easily be mistaken for trash? Or something that clearly exhibits not only your gifts, but your drive and determination? Don’t stay stagnant. Don’t be complacent. Don’t deem yourself a “starving artist”. Get up off your ass and make things happen or become one of those shoulda-coulda-wouldas… “What’s the use of living here if I don’t feel alive? Denied mistakes… So much I’ve done… So much to cry… I cry…”

***Lyrically Speaking-XII Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XI

“If I could, I would sample your smile… And then I would let my heart beat through the baseline and we would create the greatest love song of all time whenever we stand next to each other… Love, I was the only one made for you… and you… you can be ‘At Last’ by Etta James… me… I’ll be ‘Ooh Child’ when you’re in pain… or you can be candy coated drops of rain even though ‘It Never Rains In Southern California’… and together… me and you… we can be music…” -Rudy Francisco, “Music”, University Ave I have not yet found a single word that describes the relationship that I have with music. Thinking about music reminds me of a Jimmy Cozier song (remember that guy?): “Sometimes I love her… sometimes I love her not… But, I ain’t letting her go… She’s all I got…” As an artist, a woman, and a conscious creature, I cherish the invaluable connection that one can have with a particular song, album, or artist. I bet as some of you were reading the intro stanza, you briefly reminisced about past moments where each song played a role in creating the soundtrack to your life. I think that’s why I get so annoyed beyond belief (and verbal in my disdain) when I turn on the radio and hear track after track of nothingness laid over a “tight beat”. Music used to be about self-expression, sharing information, educating the masses, and creating classic hits that automatically trigger your mind to go back 30 years to the first time you heard it just by hearing the first 5 notes of the melody. Sadly, it’s not like that anymore. A dope poet by the name of Ise Lyfe recently said something at a show that has stuck with me: “We are the space between the ancestors and God… fill it up…” He also talked about how the remedial, repetitive “dance songs” that are infecting our airwaves will be the classics of this time, so basically what we hear on the radio is the legacy of music that we are allowing to be created for our children and our children’s children. How does that make you feel? Think about that: what we are currently hearing on the radio will be the oldies or classics of this time… When I think of “classics” I think of Luther, Patti, Tina, Gerald, and the late, great Michael Jackson. MJ’s music has been weaved into the fabric of the world for decades and years from now, when his music becomes far removed like the jazz, blues, and bee-bop that preceded funk soul, r&b, rap, and hip-hop, what will they play on our oldies stations? “I’m boyfriend #2…”(?) “You’re turning me on… You’re turning me off…”(?) “Do the stanky leg… Do the booty do…”(?) “You’re a jerk… I know…”(?) And my favorite (and by “favorite” I mean, “I still can’t believe Debra Lee let this performance air on the BET Awards/Michael Jackson Tribute Show”: “I wish I could fuck every girl in the world…”(?) These may not be the only songs on the radio at this time, but these are the “hits” being made mostly by one-hit wonder makers, aside from Lil Wayne’s delusional song that uses “love” in place of “fuck” on the radio. And we can’t just count theses artists out because they will probably never make another song again. Though the group that made the song disappeared from the face of music and media, “My Boo” will always be one of my favorite “old-school” jams. I am all for freedom of speech and am not a huge supporter of censorship, but I wonder at what point did we stop supporting edutainment and begin accepting and encouraging what some have deemed “new-age coonery?” When did we stop protecting music the way that we clutch poetry so tightly to our chests? When I turn on the radio, it really causes my spirit to ache because music and specifically the words that are contained within a song have always been a basic necessity in my life. Now, you may think that “necessity” isn’t the correct word to use here, but it is. Even when I’m separated from my iPod, I sing or recite lyrics. Melodies breathe through me and words… well, as Mr. Francisco says: “The right words at the right time can make Paul Bunyan’s ax look weak…” There is a power in words that many great minds understand. That is why a true writer may sit for hours, for days if necessary, staring at a screen or a piece of paper, stressing beyond belief because the right word just cannot be found. Others precariously use words as if they’ve never had a proper English class or simply don’t understand that what we say (or write) could be misinterpreted and it is our responsibility to make ourselves as clear as possible. We underestimate and misuse terms like “I love you” when we mean “I kind of like you a little” or “You’re cool to keep around so long as it benefits me” or “I just want to see you naked.” We suck it up and say “It’s cool” when we could be honest and say, “That is so not cool… I’m so disappointed in you” or “Expletive! Expletive! Expletive, you expletive!” In my interview with Beny Blaq, he states that people perceive him as arrogant basically because he doesn’t interact with them as much as they would prefer. From his perspective, he’s an observant person who listens more than he talks. But, this world has become so fast-paced that when someone takes the time to think before responding to the many methods of instant communication, the other party instantly grows impatient. This new world of social networking sites with live streams, text messages, emails, and instant messages has made people impatient and irrational. We have become so accustomed to getting a person’s attention or response at the exact moment we request it, that any rational person (or person who doesn’t want to talk to you right now) is going to ignore you and may even end the friendship. And so much can be misinterpreted with the way that we “speak” to each other using these methods of quick-munication. It seems like every word has its own acronym now from “lol” to “ttyl” to “smh”. It makes me long for the days when we would carve out a little corner in our days to pick up the phone, tap ten keys, and wait for someone on the other line to greet us joyously. We don’t get to hear people’s voices anymore. And the voices that we do hear on the radio and on the television aren’t doing anything to educate or advance us as an individual, a community, or a people. That’s why I love soulful, classy music… poetry… and spoken word… There’s no rush… no slip-ups… no preconceived notions or assumptions… Just a spectrum of letters… and melodies… “And when my friends ask if you’re my girlfriend… I’ll say, ‘No… she… she is my musician… and me…I guess you could say… I’m her favorite song…”

***Lyrically Speaking-XI Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-X

“Turn the lights out… this shit’s way too fucking bright… why not poke my eyes out… if you wanna mess with my eyesight?… just let me get my head right… where the hell am I?... who are you?... what'd we do… last night?...” –Britney Spears, “Blur”, Circus For the past couple of weeks, I have attempted to write this 10th edition of “Lyrically Speaking”. My cup runneth over with lyrics—as the quotes painted on my home-office’s walls display—but none of them seemed to be worth discussing. I wasn’t inspired. Twice, I sat down and scribbled out bullshit about clever minds and coincidences and something else that is not even worth remembering. I knew what I had written lacked substance and I was embarrassed to submit it; so, I didn’t. Instead, I secretly grew more and more aware that this could be the first month that I had nothing lyrically to speak about. Then, I bought Britney Spears’ newest album. Before you begin to go down the list of drama surrounding the starlet, I urge you to give the album a try. A few songs, for me, are definite misses, but some like “If You Seek Amy”—which a friend’s hubby pointed out sounds awfully close to a two-word expletive phrase—are simply intoxicating whether we want to admit it or not. I’ve been listening to “Blur” in a trance-like repetition for the last two days. Slowly, I’m leaning into “Unusual You”, but something about “Blur” just makes me want to dance. Aside from random Hip-Hop classes, I haven’t really danced since I choreographer and performed to John Legend’s “So High” at my sister’s wedding 4 years ago. I haven’t had much time to dance lately or do any of the things that kept me from becoming a “grown up”. My recent 22nd birthday was a hard thing for me to come to grips with, even though my mother had again faced her fear of flying to visit us from Baltimore and my husband had wrangled up all his friends to meet us at The Cheesecake Factory when all but one of my friends here in Cali had “other plans”. That day, I felt like my childhood was coming to an end because I wasn’t making time for the kid in me. I felt like I’d been living a 27 year-old’s life for so long… what possibly could 22 bring? “Can't remember what I did last night… maybe I shouldn't have given in, but I just couldn't fight… hope I didn't but I think I might've… everything… everything is still a blur…” I will dance again. And I will come to work on a Saturday to finally give into the seductive tree that has been calling out, “Nisey, come climb me and read under the shade of my leaves,” every day as I set out on my 20 minute drive home. See, we tend to take these small things for granted because our high heels, ties, and big boys’ and girls’ pants tell us to trade in our toys for board meetings and beer. Fuck that… “I don’t wanna grow up… I’m a Toys"R"Us kid...” and I will never get rid of my stuffed Tiggers and Barbies… Neither should you. Take time out to do things for the kid in you. Buy an ice cream cone… go skating… skip rocks across a pond… have a sleepover with your best girlfriends… What were your favorite things to do as a kid? Do them! Don’t let this world suck the joy from your life. All work and no play leaves your vision blurred…

***Lyrically Speaking-X Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-IX

“It could all be so simple… but, you’d rather make it hard… loving you is like a battle… and we both end up with scars… tell me who I have to be… to gain some reciprocity… see, no one loves you more than me… and no one ever will…” -Lauryn Hill, “Ex Factor” The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill The first boy to ever show serious interest in me stood at the end of a rectangular table, with a weapon pressed against his throat, yelling, “Jenise! If you won’t marry me, I’ll kill myself!” And I, seated at the other end of the table, being the Taurus that I am, rose up in a bull-like stance, eyes piercing, retorting, “Then, go ahead and do it!” We were in the 2nd grade. And the weapon held tightly in the curly-haired kid’s hand was a plastic spork. Noah was crazy about me. So crazy, in fact, that he spent half of recess chasing me, a blue cone held crooked amidst those dark brown curls. It was like a never-ending game. No matter how fast and long I ran, he trailed right behind me. Until Mrs. Jackson sat him down on the stairs. He whined. She scolded, “Noah, chill out, okay? It’s your birthday.” He didn’t want to chill out. He wanted to kiss me. Need I remind you, we were in the 2nd grade… “Is this just a silly game… that forces you to act this way… forces you to scream my name… then pretend that you can't stay… tell me, who I have to be… to gain some reciprocity… see, no one loves you more than me… and no one ever will…” The kid with the curly hair was unrelenting in his admiration of me. And I, unknowingly, added fuel to the fire by responding adversely. The more I ran, the more he chased, and no matter what I said to him, it never seemed to hurt his feelings or slow his strides. Noah was a fighter. I wonder how I would’ve felt… standing in a crowded room… weapon piercing my throat… calling out to my love… only to have that person say, “Go ahead and do it…” Would I? Or would I continue with my strides in pursuit of my passions, not necessarily a person? Life throws obstacles our way. People say the cruelest of things when we are already two feet below rock bottom. Friends turn their backs to us, family members misuse us, and the sky gets cloudier and cloudier. But, we can’t let that stop us. Those people don’t have control over us any more than my cruel words had control over Noah. He didn’t let that stop him. He continued to annoy me with his love anyway. And, I must admit… I did like him. And we might be good friends to this day if I had responded to his affection differently. See, sometimes the biggest obstacles aren’t external. Sometimes, the biggest obstacles are ourselves… “I keep letting you back in… how can I explain myself… as painful as this thing has been… I just can't be with no one else… see, I know what we got to do… you let go and I'll let go too… 'cause no one's hurt me more than you… and no one ever will…”

***Lyrically Speaking-IX Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-VIII

“If you don’t know… now you know you gonna miss… my love… and I ain’t stressing ‘bout a doggone thang… ‘cause I was true when I gave you… my love… if… you… search you will never find… another love like… my lve… you’re gonna miss me… I ain’t got time while you sit around and play with… my love…” -Destiny’s Child, “If”, Destiny Fulfilled My love is not to be taken for granted. I gave it to you freely and abundantly and you did not appreciate it… When it was there, you weren’t. Now that it’s gone, here you are. But, it’s too late. So, stop calling… stop writing… stop sending “friend requests”… we are not friends. You had your Chance. You choose Community Chess. Well, checkmate. It’s clear that this is not your game. Doesn’t matter. I’m no longer playing. I’m removing my gloves… I’m beginning to think that you never loved me. That all this time, you were a mirage created by my dehydrated heart. I was thirsty for love. Thirsting for a sip that would quench this need, but you merely teased me with a drop on my tongue… I don’t taste you no more. Don’t smell that scent that used to draw me in. Don’t hear that tone that cheered my soul. Don’t feel the way I used to feel… Don’t see why I wasted my time on you… But, I won’t anymore. And you… you don’t have control anymore… Don’t have that hold anymore. Let me go… You didn’t love me when you had me, so… let me go… Didn’t clutch me when I needed an embrace… Didn’t kiss me when I needed to feel your flesh upon my face… let me go… Because I released you… A long time ago… ***People don’t have control over us. We control their impact on our lives. If someone is not loving you the way that you need to be loved or supporting you or accepting of the person that you are, realize that they are who they are, accept it, and let the situation go. You cannot change them; you can only change your perspective. You are beautiful… dynamic… intelligent… unique… and worthy. It may seem like you do, but you do not need their approval. This is your life to live, so live it…

***Lyrically Speaking-VIII Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-VII

“A best friend is one you can do embarrassing things in front of with confidence.” -Ccep J. Dew I was thinking about one of my best friends today. Before I moved here to California, we spent about two months hanging out every week and not one of those days did I feel uncomfortable. From day one to today, I have always felt like myself around Mary. It’s refreshing to feel that way about another person, especially in this day when unhealthy rivalry is so present amongst female friends especially. Mary’s not my only best friend, of course. My husband is my “bestest friend in the whole wide world” and of course there’s my mother and my big sister—plus a few others who are more than friends, but kind of less than best friends—but, the thing I love about my friendship with Mary is that not once have I felt jealous of her and not once has she shown any jealousy towards me. We are beautiful, intelligent, blessed, and gifted young ladies and instead of wanting to one-up one another, we celebrate each other and do what we can to help the other excel. For example, Mary is reading over one of my novels that is no where near the finished perfection I want it to be. But, I trust her with it and I respect her feedback, which is usually along the lines of “You go, girl!” And when she needed a name for her massage practice, I suggested “A Muse’s Touch”, which she eventually chose to use. In my 21 years on this earth, I have had “best friends” come and go, and I can honestly say that Mary is one of the only ones I have ever felt this way about. I don’t have to be better than her. I don’t have to brag to her. I don’t have to downplay her accomplishments to make mine seem bigger. I can be equal to her and I am and wherever life takes me, she can rest assured that I will be buying an extra ticket for her to come with. I never really understood those “sister-friend” movies like Waiting To Exhale until now. In the past, my sister-friends always had to be more than me. They always made it clear that we were friends, as long as I knew my place was second, and I can admit, I’ve done the same with some of my friends. But, I think that’s how you know that particular relationship is seasonal. When you are in need of an ear to listen, and your friend doesn’t answer, and you don’t get mad that they aren’t there at that exact moment… that is true friendship. When your friend gets a great promotion while you are struggling with two jobs and you are genuinely happy for them… that is true friendship. When you can dance like Elaine from Seinfeld and not care that people are staring, while she does the Funky Chicken next to you before breaking out into the Running Man… that is true friendship. There are a few other people I can think of that I can be a total dork around and not care. When I do relax and act like the bookworm nerd that I truly am, they don’t make snide comments, call me names, or anything like that. Usually, they are acting just as dorky, if not more. And I’m grateful to have these people in my life. They make each day a little bit easier. So, I challenge you to reevaluate your friendships. Are you in a competition? Do you often assure yourself that you’re prettier, smarter, or more athletic than your friends? If so, then you should realize that you are feeling insecure and a real friendship shouldn’t make you feel less than, whether the person says things to make you feel bad or if it’s just in your mind. Surround yourself with people who encourage you to sing at the top of your lungs in your best Christina Aguilera voice, knowing full-well that you are no Christina Aguilera. I mean it! Hold onto people who make you smile within and make you want to be the dorkiest you that you can possibly be. My hubby not only encourages me to sing “And I Am Telling You” karaoke-style in our living room, but he joins in for some songs. That’s bestest friendship. That’s true love ***Lyrically Speaking-VII Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-VI

“Ok, here's what I want you to do: I want you to look me right in my eyes… and I want you to tell me… exactly… what you want me to do to you… You ready?” -Ne-Yo, “Say It”, Because of You I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, no she didn’t take it there!” Oh, yes… I did. Ladies and gentlemen, 2009 has begun. We can go back and think about the things we didn’t do in ‘08, the things we didn’t say, the relationships that we didn’t pursue (be they romantic or platonic), the things we didn’t finish, and the things we didn’t even try. But, why do that? Why not focus on today? The present is here. Open your gift. Your gift is your mouth. Your own mouth. You have the ability to speak things into existence and this can work for, as well as against, you. You know how people say, “Be careful what you wish for?” Well, it’s true; especially when you say it aloud. If you want to advance in your career, say so. Tell a mentor who can help you. If you want to lose weight, tell a friend who will support you. If you want to adjust your mentality, say it. Write an affirmation on a piece of paper, tape it to your mirror, and say it every morning: “I am beautiful, I am worthy, and I will make the most of today.” It really is powerful. “Tell me what you want… Oh, you want that? Say the word… Turn around…” -Ne-Yo, “Say It”, Because of You On the flip side, watch what you say. If that hunk-a-chocolate you’ve been eyeing is giving you the eye back, and you know he has a girlfriend, keep your mouth shut! Don’t go tell your best friend, “He is sexy. I want him!” You might get him… and all the drama that comes with it. Thinking lustful, negative, and spiteful things are “bad”, but it’s human, so I can’t knock you. The problem comes when you speak it aloud and confirm your intentions. Be wiser in 2009. Leave that man alone, girl! Now, getting back to this Ne-Yo track… When it comes to your life, your happiness, your fulfillment, your contentment, your satisfaction: say it! Tell the waiter you asked for no onions on your burger… Tell your mother you don’t have time to weed her garden right this second, but you can make time for her Saturday… Tell your boss that you deserve a raise and list the reasons why… Tell your spouse how you are feeling in your relationship… Tell your lover what you like, what you don’t like, and what you might like to try. You’d be surprised. Maybe he or she was thinking about furry handcuffs too and was afraid it would freak you out. I’m just saying: don’t hold back this year. Think it through and then go for what you really want. Don’t wait for it to come to you. Go out and get it. Ask for it. Hell, demand it if you really need it. Maybe, I’m talking about life in general. Maybe, I’m talking about something else ;-) The point is, I’m talking. I’m saying it… What are you doing? “Girl, why don't you tell me what you want me to do to you? Say it… say it… say it... Girl, why don't you tell me what you want from me? Girl, won't you say it… say it… say it...” -Ne-Yo, “Say It”, Because of You

***Lyrically Speaking-VI

Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-V

“Yeah, I did it… You should know it… I ain’t sorry… You deserved it… After what you did to me, you deserved it… I ain’t sorry… No…” -Jazmine Sullivan, “Bust Your Windows”, Fearless Anger is a powerful emotion. Just ask someone with a fist-print in their wall. And the most passionate display of anger is through revenge. Am I crazy? No. I’m just a young woman who appreciates the complexities of life. There is nothing that can drive a sane person absolutely off the deep-end like being hurt by someone, whether they are close to you or not. My mother has this thing about dart-guns. One of those long reeds like natives carry to hunt. While in traffic, whenever someone cuts her off or otherwise pisses her off, she exclames, “I wish I had a dart gun,” then puts up her imaginary weapon to blow out the offender’s tires. Other times, when people jaywalk in the street, she imagines running them over, then pressing rewind, so that next time they’ll know to cross at the crosswalk and stay out of her way. A little drastic? Nope. Don’t pretend you haven’t envisioned some violent act against another who has wronged you or plotted the demise of your arch-nemesis. We all do it. It’s human to feel anger. It is also human to want desperately to act on that anger. But, you shouldn’t. That’s when bad things happen. Movies like Waiting To Exhale make setting cars on fire seem like a good thing to do when your marriage is over. But, what happens when the police show up? You go to jail. That’s what. Jazmine Sullivan has given the world a new anthem to commit crimes to. Sure, I’d love to jump out of the car and fight the woman on the cell phone who just cut me off; I’d love to throw something at the man going 20 in a 65; I’d even like to report the cop who put on his siren, forcing me out of the way, just so he could go through the red light and cut the noise back off. But, I would also like to be able to tell my children that I have never been arrested. So, I think these thoughts to myself, or voice them aloud when in understanding company. Truth be told, I don’t even like the song “Bust Your Windows”, but there is something about those last lines about just giving someone what they deserve that speaks to me. “No, I didn’t call you back…” “No, I’m not coming over in the middle of the night because you refuse to call the cops…” “No, I’m not rearranging my schedule for you…” “Ha! Why the hell would I lend you money?” “No, I’m not giving you another chance. Four times was quite enough, don’t cha think?” What if we could just bust those windows? What if we could get that car towed, then pull into our rightful parking space? What if we could tell our boss to kiss it with lipstick on to leave a lasting impression? Why, then, my friends, the world would probably be covered in glass and the recession wouldn’t matter because we’d all be behind bars. So, instead of perpetuating the stereotype of the crazy baby momma or the no good so-and-so, take your ass to the gym and work out. Hit a punching bag. Go to hip-hop class. Work that pent-up hostility off for your own good. Or sit back with a soothing cup of tea, inhale, exhale, and imagine throwing a brick through your neighbor’s window. Busting a window and slashing tires: too damn expensive… Crashing into the fool who just cut you off: too damn expensive… Cussing out your boss when people are losing jobs: just plain ‘ole crazy… Damage-free revenge: priceless. “But, it don’t compare to my broken heart… You could never feel how I felt that day… Until it happens, baby, you don’t know pain…” -Jazmine Sullivan, “Bust Your Windows”, Fearless ***Lyrically Speaking-V Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-IV

“…Do the mistakes I make make me a fool or a human with flaws? Admit that I’m lost… Round of applause… Take the abuse… Sometimes it feels like they want me to lose… It’s entertainment: is that an excuse? But, the question that lingers whether win or lose is…” -Rihanna, “Question Existing”, Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded Sometimes I wonder who I'm living for… If I'm making choices because I want to or living by default… Am I walking on eggshells, lightly piercing my feet, because it's more bearable than the torments of conflict and heartbreak?… Am I being true to myself?… I wonder if my condition only exists because of other people… Like, if it were just me in this world with no family and no friends, would I make the same decisions and react the same way to the same circumstances?… I really want to be free… Free from fears of not pleasing the ones I love… Free to just go with the flow, but I can't… I've been trained to live by protocol… To put others before myself… To think ahead and stop things from happening before they happen, but I'm not psychic… So I fail… I fail to see the beauty in the mud regardless of the fact that without its two main components, there would be no flourishment… No nourishment and I'm starving… Needing to be fed meat… Coffee and rice cakes can only do so much, but I can't eat 'cause I'm being served bullshit that I apparently prepared… Who's to blame?… I want to crawl ass first into a hole built for one and sleep… Slumber with one eye open because I know they're coming to interrupt my rest… They're coming to snatch away my peace and I can't take it… Is sadness not enough?… Is loneliness not enough?… I'm sooo discouraged… Feeling like a cowardly lieon, telling false truths of my greatness when truthfully speaking… What am I living for?… What am I dying for?… For pride?… For an image?… For towering expectations?… I'm short and I don't have the energy to take leaps and bounds… I'm tired and I don't have the strength to reawaken the warrior in me… I don't want to talk almost as much as I don't want to listen… I just want to write and sleep and dream sweet slideshows in hi-definition as I search to define myself… Because I'm feeling like I'm lacking edges… “Who am I living for? Is this my limit? Can I endure some more? Chances are given… Question existing…” -Rihanna, “Question Existing”, Good Girl Gone Bad: Reloaded ***Lyrically Speaking-IV Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com