Lyrically Speaking XX

“I’m just saying you can do better… Tell me have you heard that lately…” –Drake, “Marvin’s Room”, Take Care

“I haven’t written a “Lyrically Speaking” editorial in over a year. But, recently, I inspired a friend to revamp her blog and remember why she loved writing it in the first place. It looks like the circle of inspiration has done its job because, last night, I got the urge to tap keys and get back to this monthly editorial. Of course, at the time I was in bed, spazzed out on codeine due to a wisdom tooth eXtraction. So, here I am, twelve hours later, following through on the agreement that I made with myself.”

This is the first paragraph to the editorial I cranked out about four hours ago. An editorial that held ten paragraphs of good words and advice. A decent message. Good quotes. An editorial that, unlike all of the ones that came before it, left me feeling dissatisfied.

So, I didn’t post it. I considered it done and I left it alone. But, that’s not like me. To just settle on something I wrote telling myself, “Well, at least I wrote it.” Ever since I walked away from my computer, I’ve been thinking about what I wrote and one paragraph in particular where I’d written about telling myself how great it is that I am being “patient, understanding, and flexible” about a particular situation and how I should be proud that I am trying a different approach. The truth is, that is complete bullshit.

I am not being “patient, understanding, and flexible.” Nor am I “putting it in God’s hands,” “letting it go,” or any other phrase we tend to use when we are making eXcuses for inaction. No. I am being nothing but stubborn. And I would love to use “I’m a Taurus” as my eXplanation for being so stubborn, but truth is I’m afraid.

What eXactly am I afraid of? I can’t tell you… What is this situation that has me more speechless and stunned than I ever remember being in the past? I can’t tell you… And that, my friends, is a part of the problem.

When I wrote my first “Lyrically Speaking” editorial, I was far more transparent. I was still fresh to the eXcape the matriX movement and I refused to be silenced or censored. Somewhere, through all of life’s changes, I lost that transparency. Yes, I still wear my heart on my sleeve. Yes, I still write what I feel. Yes, I still give everything I have to my art. But, somewhere I forgot why I started this editorial in the first place. Why I joined ETM. Why I began acting. And dancing. Painting. Crocheting. And writing raps, then songs, then poetry. Because I had to.

Art saved my life. And not just writing. Dancing freed me. Drawing freed me. Acting freed me. Somewhere, I met someone who is a better dancer than me. A better visual artist than me. A better performer than me. People told me to my face that they didn’t think my art was good enough. That I was too complicated and sporadic. That I needed to learn to relate to common people. To write women’s poetry. That I was a groupie for being eXcited about a writer of the opposite sex. That I needed to stop writing about my divorce. Or love. Or about me. That my singing voice wasn’t strong enough.

I took what these people said to heart because I was raised to please others first. And though I can now see the life lessons in everything said to me, I can’t help but hear, “That’s not good enough… You’re not good enough…” from the lips of the people I trusted to uplift me. But, the truth is, everything that was said to me was an opinion, a thought, a feeling, that had more to do with the person who said it than it ever had to do with me.

In The Four Agreements, don miquel ruiz says that we should not take anything personally. That when people say or do things that hurt us, we have made a decision to be hurt. And that how they respond to us has more to do with their past and present feelings than it has to do with us.

I want to say that I let people take my vulnerability away. That I have been let down so many times that I find it hard to trust. That I have had my heart broken so many times in the last 365 days that I refuse to be hurt again. But, that is also bullshit.

The truth is I’ve gotten in my own way. I’ve let fear keep me from being as unapologetic as I used to be. I don’t have that naivety that once allowed me to eXpress myself however I needed to. I care what people think. I care what people will say. I care how people will feel. Because I need to be accepted, acknowledged, and loved. I need to have my feelings validated. I need to know that how I’m feeling is okay.

I have preached self-esteem, self-worth, and capability to so many people recently, all the while living in fear. Sometimes, I find it hard to accept that I am human, too. And instead of reaching out, I wait, in pain, in fear, until someone comes to me for the very help and understanding that I have so desperately been needing.

Well, how can I call myself a “misfit for life” and not say eXactly what I feel? eXcape the matriX magazine may have come to an end, but the movement continues through me, right? And I would be doing a disservice to everything ETM has stood for by continuing to live and write in fear.

So, fuck that. Fuck hiding in my writing instead of freeing myself. Fuck trying to get every word, line, and metaphor correct. Fuck caring so much what people might think instead of resting in what I think. And fuck not saying fuck. It’s my favorite word, damnit, and I’m gonna use it.

Maybe this entire write-up means nothing. Maybe it’s all over the place with no concise message. Maybe what I wrote earlier today made a lot more sense. But, THIS is a far better representation of who I am, in this eXact moment. And if you don’t understand it, or me, join the club, hon…

***Lyrically Speaking-XX

Written by: Ccep J. Dew

Lyrically Speaking XIX

“I was in love with a Sagittarius… He blew my mind… He also had a flip side… too much like a Gemini… He was freaky like a Taurus… the way he handled me… Flirtatious like and Aries… Which sign is best for me?” -Beyoncé, “Signs”, Dangerously In Love


I must admit: I learned all 12 zodiac signs, in order, by listening to this song. Similarly, Tyrese has a song called, “Signs of Love Making”, but this isn’t that type of article. (Look it up if you’re trying to get your grown and sexy on…)

I don’t know about you, but I’m always tickled when a song shouts out my zodiac sign. I’m a proud Taurus. Are we freaky? Yes… Yes, we are… Are we stubborn? Yup! But, we have other sides, too. And in corresponding and building relationships with people under different signs, I can’t help but take some delight in astrology.

It’s hard to say everything about astrology is accurate because, if you tweak your perspective of any given situation, things can be interpreted to mean whatever you want them to. I always bring up the fact that my big sister Chenita, a fellow Taurean goddess, said to me one day, “April Taurus are sweet. May Taurus are mean.” I immediately took offense, replying, “No, we’re not!” She then described how April Taurus deal with situations head-on and are very blunt and honest (just like my April 30th born dad!), whereas May Taurus are slow to anger, but, when we blow up, it’s catastrophic. I had to agree.

Similarly, Taureans are lovers of aesthetics. The April Taurus in my sister appreciates the finer things in life, like Vera Wang perfume and diamonds (her birth stone), whereas the May Taurus in me loves Bath & Body Works fragrance spray and cubic zirconia (emerald is my birth stone). Oddly enough, my niece Bajel, who was due in May, yet came early in April, seems to be caught in the middle. As far as appearance and aesthetics, she is an April Taurus just like her mom. But, as for her temper and stubbornness, she is just like her Aunt Nisey!

“I can’t eXplain why I love him… Bossy like Leos’ do… Got game like an Aquarius… Switch moves after he’s been with you… Fun like a Libra… He stays on my mind… He’s so unpredictable… He reminds me of every sign…”

I say all this because knowing someone’s sign not only makes for great entertainment, but it can eXplain a lot about a person. One of my best guy friends has been classified as “arrogant” for as long as I’ve known him. So, of course I was not surprised to learn that he was an Aries: the most “arrogant” and “self-centered” of the zodiac. In a lot of aspects, he’s true to his sign, but to know his life’s story, you understand how he went from lacking confidence as a child to having the best self-esteem ever! And I appreciate that aspect of him, along with his overall caring nature and dedication to whatever he puts his mind to.

I often find that we are attracted to people and signs that we lack in ourselves. Since I tend to not have nearly as much confidence and belief in myself as others do, I naturally seek out those individuals who eXhibit those traits for themselves. Enter Aries and Leos! My best female friend Mary, who lives way too far away in Baltimore, is a Leo. Our friendship started because my sister suggested we go to an open mic together 3 years ago. We have been inseparable ever since. The spontaneous, fun-loving, joyous nature of hers is a welcomed and appreciated balance to the analytical, creative, tense nature of mine. There is a similar magnetism with another Leo friend of mine. In fact, I recently told him how he inspires me to live in the moment, outside of my comfortable, little “bullpen”.

“I wish he was a Virgo, the same sign as me… And know how to show me love, cause I’ve been hurt by a Pisces… I want him sexy like a Scorpio… The way he holds me close… Sensitive as a Cancer… Every sign from coast to coast…”

Now, don’t get it twisted. I have friends of every sign, but I just so happen to have a major attraction towards Aries and Leos. And this brings me back to my point that not everything about astrology should be taken as law.

According to astrological standards, as a Taurus, I am most compatible with Virgos (tell my eX that!), somewhat compatible with Aries, and not at all compatible with Leos. If I listened to everything that goes along with my sign, I would still be attached to someone who is not meant for me, skeptical about a friendship with someone who has been there for me during my toughest times, and totally against relationships with two people who have inspired and changed my life in such a short period of time.

At the end of the day, astrology is fun to play around with. But, like anything, when you start to live your life based on what you’ve been told instead of what you’ve discovered for yourself, things can get tricky. So, embrace your sign, as well as the signs of others. And watch out for those people born on the cusp. They’re the bi-polar people of the zodiac! (Love you, cuspers!)

“Capricorn… Aquarius… Pisces… Aries… Taurus… Gemini… Cancer… oh! Leo… Virgo… Libra… Scorpio… Sagittarius… I love all y’all…”

***Lyrically Speaking-XIX
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine http://www.excapethematrix.com/

Lyrically Speaking XVIII

“It’s the thought of Mecca that keeps me alive. That’s what helps me face these days that are all the same, these mute crystals on the shelves, and lunch and dinner at that same horrible café. I’m afraid that if my dream is realized, I’ll have no reason to go on living.” –The Merchant in Paulo Coelho’s The Alchemist.


I feel like I’ve been dumbing myself down because I am afraid of my own power. How do I embrace it? How do I let go? I have always tried my best to hide from the spotlight while knowing full well that’s where I’m destined to be. And there are eXcuses that have helped me to reason with why I cannot or have not done all of the things that I know I am beyond capable of doing: My own timeline… Perfectionism… Work… Stress… That’s why I have three “unfinished” novels, countless writings (plays, songs, poems, etc.), and other ideas that have yet to even reach page. That’s why I haven’t done a poetry cd and don’t promote my book: I am afraid of supplying a demand that I am not sure I am prepared for. It’s also why I could never bring myself to slam. [For those of you unfamiliar with “slam”, simply put, it is a poetry competition where judges rate your performance/reading of your poetry based on their own definition of what “poetry” and “spoken word” should be. And you go up against other poets whose style, “skill level”, appearance, etc. may differ completely from yours. And there is no way of knowing what the judges will respond to and appreciate…]

Ironically enough, yesterday (a Thursday), I agreed to slam simply to fill an empty spot. I keep poems memorized, but I hadn’t practiced to compete. I wasn’t prepared for judgment on a 0 to 10 scale. But, with encouragement from my sistah Jerrica, I went up there and gave it my best.

I sit in front of this computer screen today, still trying to grasp that fact that, not only did I make it through to the second round, but I tied both rounds, perfect scores (by slam rules of dropping the lowest and highest score), with Jason O’Neil. I’d seen Jason on stage before and was always captured by what I consider a Broadway-theater presence. His voice and the animation of his movement are far different from the “B-more attitude” that I tap into on stage. And, yet, we were pitted against one another. At the end of the night, with a tie-breaker round, we both still came out with perfect scores, but, by a slight point-something advantage, I was announced the winner.

I relay this story to you because it was a night of firsts: my first time being openly judged by five strangers, going head-to-head with someone who I admire, and giving my all to my words, which Jerrica refers to as “the beast”. I felt the beast… and it scared me… and it frightens me more because I know that I walked on that stage last night with uncertainty just waiting to slip doubt into my mind. And when I called my mother this morning and told her what happened, she basically said to me that if I could do that with no preparation, imagine what I could do at The Grand Slam after four weeks of practice… Imagine what I could contribute and gain if I make the San Diego Slam Team… Imagine…

I know that all of this—the writing, the performing, the creativity, the personality, the magnetic spirit, etc.—comes from God. And it is because of this that I am terrified of not doing His blessings justice and at times use eXcuses to crutched myself for fear of fully tapping into His power which flows through me.

Or is that merely another eXcuse?

“You dream about your sheep and the Pyramids, but you’re different from me, because you want to realize your dreams. I just want to dream about Mecca. I’ve already imagined a thousand times crossing the desert, arriving at the Plaza of the Sacred Stone, the seven times I walk around it before allowing myself to touch it. I’ve already imagined the people who would be at my side, and those in front of me, and the conversations and prayers we would share. But I’m afraid that it would all be a disappointment, so I prefer just to dream about it.”

How much longer will He allow me to fight against Him before he strips me of my Talents? And how much more of an impact could I make upon the world if I actually… tried?

All that you see, all of my “accomplishments”, have been primarily the result of “hobby-time”. If I actually gave 100% to my dreams, how many doors would open? How many stages and audiences would receive me? How much more would God entrust in me?

I know myself better than anyone else will ever attempt to reach, so I know what gems He has hidden within me. But, this fear has been here since elementary school. It has affected my acting… and dancing… and drawing… It even causes me to do battle with the thing that has maintained my sanity and kept me alive: my poetry.

How do you end self-inflicted torture? Hush your own voice? Stop anxiety from trembling? How do you step up and accept your place as the queen that everyone has been calling you when the word “princess” falls so often and easily from your lips? How do you believe in yourself at least one-tenth of the way the entire universe has always believed in you?

I suppose, one day, you simply stop dreaming about Mecca and you start walking… You agree to put your name on a list and you give it your all… And, in the end, you realize that the spot was never empty. It was just waiting for you to fill it…



***Lyrically Speaking-XVIII
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XVII

“I wish I could tie you up in my shoes… Make you feel unpretty, too… I was told I was beautiful, but what does that mean to you? Look into the mirror: who's inside there? The one with the long hair… Same old me again today…” -TLC, “Unpretty”, Fanmail


Insecurity is a tricky little thing and we have become so stubborn to speak the word that it manifests itself into more negative emotions: fear, jealousy, mistrust, denial, blame… all because we do not want to admit what is going on within. We all deal with insecurities from time to time. We feel like, “If only my skin were lighter… my hair was straighter and longer or curlier… my body was shaped differently… I was taller… I was shorter… my voice sounded differently… I was more outgoing… I was more patient… If only…,” and there is usually another person we are comparing ourselves to. But, though they may not admit it, that same person may reflect insecurities based on things that they envy about you.

For eXample, a friend of mine recently said she was jealous of me because I am so “beautiful and wonderful”. I came right back, admitting that I am jealous of her more curvy body shape, which I happen to find beautiful. Because we are such good friends, we can admit these feelings to one another. And it helps to be honest with yourself when it comes to these feelings, so that you can confront, then overcome them.

Another friend recently admitted that her insecurities are doubt and feeling unworthy when it comes to fully giving herself over to love. Rather than point out her positive qualities—some of which play with my own insecurities—I assured her that she has nothing to doubt about herself and that she is worthy because everyone is deserving of love. I offered up the view that her love interest obviously sees something in her just like she sees something in him. Otherwise, they wouldn’t even be friends. They have taken the step to admit how they feel about one another, but questions like, “Why would he love me?” are keeping her from truly opening up her heart to him. However, because she has acknowledged the fear of being hurt again, she can take steps to overcome those negative thoughts and possibly gain the love she has always wanted.

“My outsides look cool… My insides are blue… Every time I think I'm through… It's because of you… I've tried different ways… But, it's all the same… At the end of the day, I have myself to blame… I'm just trippin'…”

Men face insecurities, too, but, stereotypically, are less likely to admit it or to use the word “insecurity” because society has brainwashed them into thinking it makes them appear weak. I am sure any woman reading this will confirm that a man who is not afraid to admit his insecurities is far from weak. If anything, it takes strength and courage to admit that he is not Superman and it is this vulnerability that draws women in.

Men watch these superhero movies and see that the damsel in distress doesn’t want the glasses wearing dude with the steady 9-to-5; she wants the confident, pantyhose and leotard wearing dude who can fly. That is bullshit.

Clark Kent is appealing because we know something he doesn’t; even though he fidgets with his glasses in our presence for “lack of confidence”, we are well aware that he’s really Superman deep inside and, if need be, we would love nothing more than to make him realize it, too.

“Never insecure until I met you… Now, I'm bein' stupid… I used to be so cute to me… Just a little bit skinny… Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy? Maybe get rid of you and then I'll get back to me…”

A lot of our habits, personal traits, and actions stem from childhood insecurities and ones we have developed over our lifetime. One of my biggest insecurities is not being perfect. I know that there is no such thing as “perfection”, but the habit stems back to elementary school. Teachers would make us rewrite a paper if there was the slightest mistake. There was no use of erasers. And as I eXcelled in school, I would take the time to do rough draft after rough draft and, to this day, I have a complete novel that I am having a hard time letting be instead of “finding errors” within it, and two others that should be completed soon. At times, this mentality carries over into other areas of my life and, when situations don’t go as planned, I blame myself because “I know better… I should’ve been in control of the situation… I know there are no erasers in life… I should’ve thought things out better…” But, I am learning to accept that I cannot control other people.

No matter how much eXtra we work to comfort, provide for, uplift, inspire, nurture, and assist someone else, if they make negative decisions, it is not our faults. If they refuse to face their problems and would rather be surrounded by people who are accepting of that because they, too, are living in denial, it is not our faults.

With this awareness, when we find ourselves taking all the blame or being jealous or feeling worthless, we should quickly replace those negative thoughts with positive ones. Instead of thinking, “Why doesn’t this person love and understand me?” think about all the people who do. Instead of thinking of all my physical features that “just aren’t good enough”, I think about the fact that the very aspects of myself that I dislike might be one of the very things that someone else loves about me.

See, we can change our hair color and texture, enhance our physical “assets”, and eXude qualities like confidence and knowledge, but if we are not honest with ourselves about how we feel about ourselves, these portraits of perfection will crack, people will begin to see right through us, and we will end up feeling even worse about ourselves. So, my challenge to you is to stop presenting yourself as an illusion. Make-up should be used to enhance, not to hide. And even if you don’t want to share your vulnerability with the world, acknowledge it to yourself, fore that is the first step to overcoming any insecurity…

“You can buy your hair if it won't grow… You can fix your nose if he says so… You can buy all the make-up that M.A.C. can make… But, if you can't look inside you…Find out who am I to… Be in the position to make me feel so damn unpretty… And make you feel unpretty, too…”


***Lyrically Speaking-XVII
Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor
as published in eXcape the matriX magazine
www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking: The New Year Edition

“I’ve been roaming around… I was looking down at all I see… Painted faces fill the places I can’t reach… You know that I could use somebody… You know that I could use somebody… Someone like you and all you know and how you speak… Countless lovers under cover of the street… You know that I could use somebody… You know that I could use somebody… Someone like you… Off in the night, while you live it up, I’m off to sleep… Waging war to shake the poet and the beat… I hope it’s gonna make you notice… I hope it’s gonna make you notice… Someone like me…” –Kings of Leon, “Use Somebody” Due to a very serious, very personal matter that has knocked me completely off my block—and who doesn’t have one of those from time to time?—I will admit, I have been completely uninspired to write this month’s edition of this editorial. To be quite honest, the new issue comes out tomorrow and I am sitting at this computer, glancing over at the above lyrics written on a notepad, with no idea what will come out or if anything will even come. There were a few songs I contemplated writing on, but, the more I listened to them for inspiration, the less writing I was able to do. I thought about simply giving you quotes from a few songs that I find inspirational or that otherwise speak to my current situation. I know that a lot of you out there are gradually shedding the weighted burdens of 2009 in exchange for the newness of 2010, so I figured that you could find inspiration in them, as well. But, I’m not going to do that. I’m going to be completely honest with you. 2009 was a horrible year. Granted, there were a few good things that happened, but, for the most part, 2009 was a mess—at least, for me it was. December alone had me experiencing the worst heartache I have ever felt from the one person in the world I thought would never, ever hurt me so blindly and continuously. I fought shamelessly to help and heal someone who knew all along that they had betrayed me, yet blamed me and took me through hell instead of being honest. I came out of it much more aware and a helluva lot stronger, but the numbness that I still feel sometimes doesn’t always seem like a fair trade. For one month, I lashed out in frustration and selfishness at people close to me. I later apologized, of course, or otherwise made advances to show that I was sorry. I tried to ignore feelings that, of course, never went away and had to make confessions that I, otherwise, would never have had the courage to make. I wrote poetry. I sketched. I cried. I held my breath in my sleep and woke up crying. I woke from my sleep screaming in anger. I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed somebody… Slowly, but surely, I had to “spread my needs around” and turn to friends and family members for support. I believe that everyone in our lives has a role: motherly figure, fatherly figure, spiritual advisor, jokester… You know who to turn to in your time of need no matter how stubborn you would rather be. And that’s eXactly what I did. My friends and family are amazing. They have stood by me throughout this whole ordeal. They let me yell, cuss, and cry just as much as they made me laugh, smile, and think. Each person played their roles at different times of the week (sometimes, even the day) and I am beyond grateful for having such strong, selfless, compassionate people that I can call “family” regardless of whether or not they are blood related. It’s hard admitting that I cannot handle something on my own. No matter how strong I seemed to everyone, I’m glad that each person allowed me the vulnerability of breaking down while encouraging me to remember that this new year… new decade… new day is just for me. A lot of people have been referring to this period in time as “The You Year”. My dad pretty much said the same thing, telling me to focus on what it is that I want to do. What makes me happy? What do I want to accomplish? Where do I want to go? Not to make resolutions, but to made decisions. Recently on television, Joel Osteen talked about imagination and images. He said if you believe that you will never do something or be somewhere, then you won’t. You have to envision where you want to be. The images, thoughts, and dreams in your head determine how you feel about yourself and your situation. If you imagine yourself in a positive place surrounded by positive people, you will find yourself there. It may not happen overnight, but it will happen. So, when I wake in the middle of the night, I immediately start to think of things I know will bring me peace until I fall back asleep. During the day, I let my mind wander just a little bit to pictures of positive places. When I feel emotions swelling up inside of me, I let them come out (because it’s healthy to do so), and then I move my mind to brighter things. It may sound far-fetched, but it really does work if you believe that it will. Give it a try and listen to some music if it helps. And if you find yourself thinking, “You know what? I could use somebody…” don’t be stubborn. Reach out for help. Accept help from those who offer it. And realize that everything happens for a reason and, usually, where you end up is far better than where you came from… I guess I was able to write this editorial after all :-) Happy You Year and thank you for being amazingly you…

***Lyrically Speaking: The New Year Edition

Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XVI

“I wrote this poem in my own spinal fluid… I put it on the backbone of a white flag, so before you read it you’ll already know that I’ve given up… I’ll just keep you here… shackled to the most important chapter of my life’s story… pressed into the basement of my eyelids like liquid salvation, so I remember you beautiful with amazing underneath your wings and an orchid smile, you gorgeous earthquake… You cracked hourglass with sand spilling from behind your ribs… You wasted my time…” –Rudy Francisco, “Scars” I know that I already have an edition of this editorial featuring a Rudy Francisco quote, but the hourglass line has been playing in my mind on repeat for the last month or more… Although most of this year has been dedicated to personal growth, the results have just begun to manifest themselves. And, for the last couple of months, I have been feeling like fear, doubt, and other forms of insecurities have, in fact, stolen or “wasted” my time. I John 4:18 reads: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…” and I am on a quest for perfect love. Not flawless love, but unwavering love. Love that makes the fight worth it. Love that makes the hard times seem more bearable. Love that starts within then illuminates everything that its rays touch. I am starting to feel this love within myself and fear has begun to flee. A few days ago, I ended a status update by stating, “Speak your truth and live according to your own beliefs because the world will edit you right out of your own script if you let it..." and, sometimes, the hardest thing to accept is that the people closest to you are the very ones with red pens in their hands… “You wanna know how I got these scars? I ripped every last piece of you out of my smile… 5… I whispered you stardust… 6… I spoke you into sunflower… 7… I dipped my hands in forever… touched you infinity… I treated you as if you were the last molecule of oxygen inside of a gas chamber… I was good to you…” People will destroy your world with good intentions. They will apply never-yielding pressure because they feel like they know what’s best for you. If they are older, they feel they are wiser and have already had your eXperiences. If they are younger, they feel that you are too old to know what they are talking about and times have changed. The tough thing to remember is that you are never too old or too young to know what is best for you. And no matter how much you love, accept, respect, and cherish others, they may not reciprocate. They may use words and actions to tear down your spirit and you may still feel a need to keep them close because they are blood related, are related by marriage, were there for you when your aunt passed away, have been your buddy since kindergarten, or you just feel something strongly for them that keeps you holding on. But, we come into this world alone and we leave it the same way. You don’t owe the world anything. If someone is emotionally hurting you, you may give them the opportunity to change, but, at some point, you have to know when to say, “Enough is enough…” and let that person go if need be. “How dare you linger on my lips and then kiss me like a stuttering apology with excuses stapled to the roof of your mouth? I still remember you…” You are responsible for yourself in this world. Your health must be your primary concern. There is nothing selfish about putting yourself first and ensuring the health of your mind, body, and spirit. Toxic people and toxic relationships will poison the very essence of your being if you allow them to. Sometimes, as hard as it may be, you have to let go of people and situations and this doesn’t just apply physically. Sometimes, the toxins are mental: insecurities and a low sense of self-worth can stem from allowing others’ feelings about you to attach to your spirit and drag you down. Without guilt, learn to let these people, these feelings, and these thoughts go. Forgive them for the things that they have intentionally and unknowingly done to you. Forgive yourself, if need be, for allowing cycles of physical, mental, emotional, financial, and spiritual abuse to continue far longer than they should have. But, never ever forget. Remember the situations and circumstances with a renewed heart lacking a bitter taste. See the lessons that have been learned, how you have grown stronger through it all, and use it all to prepare for the next battle because history has proven to repeat itself. And if you do allow these individuals to remain in your life, or if you kick them to the curb only to find them back holding a bouquet of roses and you invite them in, do not hold it against them. True forgiveness is acknowledging the faults of the past while allowing a clean slate with a margin for error. If you look at a person and cannot, or do not want to, see beyond the past, then maybe you made the right decision to let them go in the first place. A new year is upon us. It is a time for starting over. So, I encourage you to take some time for self. If you meditate or would like to give it a try, do so. Sit or lie in a relaxed position and think. If it helps, write down your thoughts. Think about this past year and the people, things, and events that have brought you joy. Think about your accomplishments and set-backs. Think about what things you need to change within yourself and what connections may need to be broken in order to advance even further in this new year. When you’re finished, set out to be a healthier person with a happier environment. Throw up the white flag, and surrender to joy because you deserve it. Throw up your arms and embrace those who have helped to make your life thus far a success and much more worth living. Don’t let old battle wounds and scars discourage you from continuing the fight. And do not, under any circumstance, willingly allow anyone or anything to stop you from being the biggest, brightest version of you… Saying, “Good-bye,” to the me I once knew and eagerly awaiting the me that is to be…

***Lyrically Speaking-XVI Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com

Lyrically Speaking-XV

"I never been so lost and found at the same time..." - Judah 1 For the last couple of weeks, I have never felt surer of my calling and more lost in its discovery. It's as if I know what steps to take, but anxiety (and, quite honestly, fear) has leadened my legs and kept me Tin Man stiff with no oil can in sight. Fear of what? I don't know. Perhaps, it's the fear of failure or the fear of succeeding. Perhaps, as I conveyed to my little sister and to my big sister on two separate occasions, it is the fear of becoming "a god". Perhaps, you've been feeling the same way for different reasons. Recent interactions have challenged me to reveal sides of myself that only a select few are allowed to see. In sharing my fears, joys, goals, and things as simple as my favorite restaurant or color, I have similarly been able to see the vulnerability in others. It is the absence of this innocence and fellowship that chills the heart, cloaks the spirit, and leads to feelings of detachment from those in our surroundings and networks. And it is in these moments where the beauty and intricacies of humanity (others', as well as our own) can be found. When my mother calls me from Baltimore sometimes, before she gets off the phone, she says, "I miss you," in a tone that is as heartwarming as it is heartbreaking. Naturally, my response is, "I miss you, too. I'll be there soon," but the recent passing of my grandfather has shown me that no one can be sure when "soon" will come, if it ever comes at all. These and other experiences tend to leave me conflicted: Do I open myself up to another individual or continue to guard my precious heart? How much do I share? How much of myself am I willing to give (while thinking that the other person may not reciprocate or even care?) Do I break down and have a cryfest over the phone or do I stay strong and save the tears for when we are reunited? Being a person of any gender, age, race, culture, background, belief, religion or sexual orientation is difficult. Questions remain unanswered and broken hearts may seem to never mend. But, I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. And in moments where focus is lost, spirits are low, and life just seems too loud, the best thing to do is take some time to simply be still and silent. "God is able to heal if you listen... and He'll show you His will if you listen... but, ya gotta be still and just listen... listen..." -Kirk Franklin, "First Love", Hero Ask God, Allah, Jesus, Muhammad, Elohim, Buddha, or whomever it is that you pray to, when and if you pray, to give you discernment. Step back and see who calls and says the right things at the right time. Whose behavior changes? Who seems to be an alter-ego of their usual selves? Don't be alarmed. Accept that you are finally seeing people's true intentions and respond accordingly. And what are your intentions? During this moment of reflection, think about your goals and character with the intention of coming out of this as a freer soul. Life requires progress and change. We are not evergreens. We are seasonal. Take the time to unplug and rejuvenate. 2010 is just around the corner. A fresh start awaits you…

***Lyrically Speaking-XV Written by: Ccep J. Dew, West Coast Editor as published in eXcape the matriX magazine www.eXcapethematriX.com